Thanks to Neil Gaiman’s excellent journal I now have to post some of these re-writes of Lord Of The Rings he flagged up:

The difficulty in selecting material in which the reading public might show interest, the problem as a chronicler has been choosing those adventures which most brilliantly illustrate the deep knowledge and remarkable talents shown by my illustrious friend, Frodo Baggins of 221B Bag End.

I find, according to my notes, that it was a Wednesday in September in '19, that I chanced to be sitting in the parlour reading the Red Book of Westmarch while Baggins, in one of his odd humors, handled a large and battered felt hat. After some time, he tossed it over to me.

"Well, Gamgee," said he, gravely. "Here is the consequence of our ramble across the Water into Buckland yesterday. We have spent an instructive afternoon investigating my new digs in Crickhollow, but in our absence have missed a caller. An agitated one, I should say: in his haste he has left behind this most excellent hat."

"It is a pity we missed him," said I, examining it. "There is no way of knowing who it might have been. He left no calling-card?"

"I feel sure when the gentleman returns we shall have no difficulty in identifying him," Baggins said airily. "Can you not find any indications as to his identity?"

I knew my companion's methods and I did my best to imitate them. "It is a large hat," I ventured.

"Indeed, that is the most telling point of the matter," said Baggins. "Note the wide brim and exceptionally large and pointed crown. Such a hat would not fit you or I. The man who wore this hat must be at least four ells, if I am not mistaken, much into the manufacture of fireworks, well-travelled, gray-haired, and carries a well-worn wooden staff."

"My dear Baggins!" I cried. "It is quite beyond belief! I believe you are some kind of wizard!"

"Not I, Gamgee," said Baggins, peering through the curtains of the bowed window. "But unless I am much mistaken, there is one upon our doorstep to retrieve his hat."

Billy the page let in the visitor, who stood in the hall of Bag End, all in a gray cloak. He seemed to me as a large weathered aspen, tall and wizened with the weight of years, and had a craggy, lined face. He peered down at us with a desperate, haunted gaze, as one with a story of such horror and grotesquerie that I thrilled to imagine it.

"Have a seat, dear sir," said Baggins, gesturing with a pipe toward the basket chair. "This is my gardener, Dr. Gamgee, before whom you may speak as to me."

"My name is Gandalf," said the visitor, with a slight look of apprehension in my direction. "I am one of the four Istari, and I am at my wits' end, Mr. Baggins! I only hope you might help me with a devilish problem! It is quite beyond me or my order, so I come at last to you for the answer I must have."

"Istari?" said I, with a look at Baggins.

His eyes half-lidded, Baggins nodded. "One of the wizards who came to Middle-Earth in the year 1000 of the Third Age," he murmured. "You will find it filed under G in my pigeon-holes. Pray continue, Gandalf."

"Well, sir," Gandalf went on hurriedly, "I have been searching for a lost heirloom of magic which vanished on the Gladden Fields after the battle on the plains of Dargorlad. It is a ring, a small one, but one which my order is seeking. We know it was carried by the last King of Gondor, the heir Isildur, but I believe after that it has simply vanished from Middle-Earth! I am quite beside myself, Mr. Baggins, and you are my only hope. Can you help me?"

Baggins steepled his fingers together, his eyes closed. "Can you describe the Ring?"

"It is a plain gold band, without ornament whatsoever," said our mysterious visitor. "It is quite an ordinary ring, but of great sentimental value. I should be most appreciative if you could shed any light on my little problem."

"Of course," said Baggins. "Do you have any further information that might be of use in this investigation, however trifling?"

Gandalf hesitated. "It may be of no consequence."

Baggins opened his eyes. "It is upon the observation of details that the practise of genius relies," said he, sententiously.

"I may have overheard someone in connexion with the Ring," said the stranger, "give the name Shire. I decided to come to you at once."

"I see," said Baggins. "And was this informant an ancient Stoor perhaps two ells in height, with lanky hair and a bedraggled countenance?"

"Yes, that would be the very same," said the visitor, excited. "I see you are the very man who can solve my problem!"

"Quite," said Baggins. "I believe I can have this minor detail brought to a successful conclusion in a few days. Call again in two days and I'm sure I shall have your answer. And pray this time do not forget your hat."

"Thank you, Mr. Baggins," said our visitor, clutching the hat to his chest, and when he had been shown the door, Baggins sat down again at the deal-topped table, his brow clouded.

"Devilry, Gamgee!" was all he said.

In a quarter of an hour he rose to his feet and reached for his jacket. "Have you your service revolver, Gamgee?" said he.

"I have a stout walking-stick," I replied, meekly. "This is Middle-Earth, not London. Firearms have yet to be invented."

"A walking stick is just as well," said Baggins. "We shall have to make a little tramp through Hobbiton--perhaps as far as Rivendell. I suspect it may be dangerous, old man, so if you do not feel up to the challenge of such a journey--"

My stubborn streak reasserted itself. "I'm game," said I.

"Good hobbit," said Baggins, and his grey eyes flashed. "I'm afraid I cannot tell you more about this case at present, but our mysterious visitor was not the wizard Gandalf, but a clever disguise."

"Good gracious!" said I. "But how can you be certain?"

"Our visitor's hairs were white, as you must have observed, not gray," Baggins said. "In addition, he made a fatal mistake when he spoke of the four Istari, for in truth there are five wizards. I do not know what has become of the real Gandalf, if that is so, but we have no time to lose."

"Surely, Baggins," I said, and my spine tingled with horror. "You don't believe that Gandalf is a prisoner!"

"It is a capital mistake to theorise without data, Gamgee," Baggins said. "But allow me to summon a hack, and let us make first for Bree, where a little something nutritious from Butterbur's would not be out of order."


"The Fellowship of the Ring" as written by A.C. Doyle

Your Horoscope

By Loyd Schumner, Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries
It will be small consolation to learn that the incident with the Balrog was just the result of a big misunderstanding.

Taurus
It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Most mortal men would have tried to take the ring from Frodo and thus doom all of humanity.

Gemini
Your future involves a trip to the Grey Havens, a fight to free your homeland, and an erotic encounter with a giant female spider, but not necessarily in that order.

Cancer
You’ve never been rescued by Ents after being captured by Uruk-Hai before, which just goes to show that there’s a first time for everything.

Leo
Despite all your pleading, slithering, and hissing, your Precious is still not interested in returning to you.

Virgo
You’ve always just assumed that your army of Orcs would have no trouble dealing with a band of scrappy heroes. Well I guess we’re going to get that misconception cleared up, aren’t we?

Libra
Your belief that men are a flawed and weak race will be tempered when you learn of Aragorn’s selfless heroism. But only slightly.

Scorpio
If it makes you feel any better, countless evil overlords have made the mistake of concentrating all their power in a small, easily-losable object.

Sagittarius
The Stars would like to politely suggest that it might be a prudent idea to delay your trip through the Misty Mountains until at least next April.

Capricorn
You will take part in a hilarious incident involving an inn and song about dancing tableware, although the humor of it may not be obvious at the time.

Aquarius
You’ll feel that being forced to face an army of ten-thousand Orcs is an unfair burden. Well join the club, buddy.

Pisces
While your friends will be surprised to see you again, they’ll feel that the transition from “grey” to “white” smacks of self-promotion.

George Lucas (old)

INTERIOR: Mines of Moria -- Outside Balin's Tomb -- The Bridge of Khazad-Dûm

GANDALF: You shall not pass!

BALROG: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Saruman never told you what happened to your father.

GANDALF: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

BALROG: No. I am your father.

Shocked, Gandalf looks at Balrog in utter disbelief.

GANDALF: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

BALROG: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

GANDALF: No! No! No!

BALROG: Gandalf. You can destroy Sauron. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule Middle Earth as father and son. Come with me. It's the only way.

Balrog puts away his sword and holds his hand out to Gandalf. A calm comes over Gandalf, and he makes a decision. In the next instant he steps off the stone bridge into space. The Dark Lord looks over the platform and sees Gandalf falling far below. The wind begins to blow at Balrog's smokey wings and the torrent finally forces him back, away from the edge. The wind soon fades and the wounded Istari begins to drop fast, unable to grab onto anything to break his fall.


George Lucas (new)

ARAGORN : It is not disrespect, Master, it is the truth.
GANDALF : From your point of view....
ARAGORN : The hobbit is dangerous...they all sense it. Why can't you?
GANDALF : His fate is uncertain, not dangerous. Elrond's Council will decide Frodo's future...that should be enough for you. Now get on board!

ARAGORN reluctantly boards the Rivendell boat followed by MERRY. GANDALF goes over to FRODO.

FRODO : Gandalf, sir, I do not wish to be a problem.
GANDALF : You won't be, Frodie....I'm not allowed to train you, so I want you to watch me and be mindful...always remember, your focus determines your reality. Stay close to me and you will be safe.
FRODO : Master, sir...I've been wondering...what are midi-chlorians?
GANDALF : Midi-chlorians are a microcopic lifeform that reside within all living cells and communicates with Magic and the Ring.
FRODO : They live inside of me?
GANDALF : In your cells. We are symbionts with the midi-chlorians.
FRODO : Symbionts?
GANDALF : Life forms living together for mutual advantage. Without the midi-chlorians, life could not exist, and we would have no knowledge of Magic. They continually speak to you, telling you the will of Magic.
FRODO : They do??
GANDALF : When you learn to quiet your mind, you will hear them speaking to you.
FRODO : I don't understand.
GANDALF : With time and training, Frodie...you will.



Adventure at Mount Doom
A Choose Your OwnTM Adventure

page 1

You are sitting in your little house at Bag End enjoying a nice cup of tea with your friends Sam, Merry and Pippin, when suddenly there is a loud knocking at the door. You open the door to see a tall, gray-haired old man. He points a bony finger at you and says, "My name is Gandalf, I was a friend of your uncle Bilbo. I have come to warn you of a terrible danger. Do you still have your uncle's ring?"

"You mean this ring?" You hold out the ring to him. You don't remember much about your uncle, except that people always said he was a great adventurer. Could he have known this strange old man?

"It's too dangerous for you to stay here," the old man snaps. "There are dangerous people searching for this ring as we speak. You must go to Bree, where I will meet up with you and take you to someone who will know what to do. Will you go?"

"Yes, I will" Turn to page 20.
"No, thanks" Turn to page 49.
page 49

The old man looks worried. "Are you sure? It's very dangerous to stay here."

"I really think we should go" says Merry.

"Me, too" says Sam, "think of the adventures we could have!"

"Ok, I'll go" Turn to page 20.
"No, count me out" Turn to page 14.

page 14

Gandalf frowns at you. "Very well, if that's the way you want it... Alakazam!"

With a wave of his wand, the room starts to spin around you. As your vision fades, you feel you feet start to slip out from under you...

Turn to page 20.

page 20

After a long hike, you arrive at the Prancing Pony Inn with Sam, Merry, and Pippin. The inn is full of people drinking and laughing, but Gandalf is nowhere to be seen. In the corner, you notice a strange man watching you carefully.

You order some food from the innkeeper. Turn to page 52.
You order some drinks from the bartender. Turn to page 63.
You go to your room to get some sleep. Turn to page 31.
You talk with the bartender. Turn to page 27.You talk to the stranger in the corner. Turn to page 18.

page 52

The innkeeper runs off to the kitchen to prepare your dinner. Just as you are about to sit down, the stranger strides over to your table with a sly grin on his face. "And what would you folk be doing so far from home?" he asks. "These parts aren't very safe. You should come with me if you want to avoid those who'll do you harm. Come up to my room and we'll talk."

"Ok, let's go" Turn to page 6.
"Leave us alone" Turn to page 37

page 37

"Very well," the stranger says, and walks back to his corner.

After supper, you and your friends go up to your room to sleep. In the middle of the night, you are awakened by a slight noise. Before you can look around, a hand covers your mouth and a sword blade plunges into your chest. As your life slips away, the last thing you feel is the ring being taken off your finger.

The End.

crap, page 6

Just as you enter the stranger's room, he slams the door behind you and draws his sword. "Now I've got you!" he cackles, "hand over the ring!"

"Never! You'll have to fight me for it!" Turn to page 13.
"Ok, you can have it. Just let us go." Turn to page 44.

page 13

"Fools! You're not even armed!" With one quick strike, he plunges his sword into your chest. As your vision fades, the last thing you hear is his laughter.

The End.

damn, page 44

"Ok, take it. Just don't hurt us."

"Well, you lot are even less brave than I thought! Gimme that!" He grabs the ring from your hand.

"You've got what you wanted, now let us go!" You shout.

He grins at you. "Not so fast there. I can't have you blabbing to your wizard friend, now can I?"

Without another word, he stabs you with his sword. As you lay bleeding, you can't help but think you've let a lot of people down.

The End.

shit. Ok, page 27

You strike up a conversation with the bartender, who seems eager to speak with you in between filling tankards for the other guests. Things seem to be going well until you decide to tell a joke. While your wit has made you famous throughout the Shire, but the bartended is not so taken with it. He punches you in the nose, causing you to fall back and strike your head against one of the tables. Your sight dimming as the blood flows from the gash in your scalp, you wonder how you were supposed to know his mother was a one-legged turnip farmer from Gondor?

The End.

#&@%#$$! page 63

The beer is poisoned. You die.

The end.

Book is flung across the room


Ring Quest by Anne McCaffrey

Prologue

Anor, in the Tolkinian Sector, was a golden G-type star. Endor, its third planet, was enveloped by an atmosphere that sentient beings could breathe, boasted water they could drink, and possessed a gravity that permitted many life forms to walk confidently erect. It had five major peoples (elves, dwarves, hobbits, men, ents) along with numerous stray groups it had attracted and held in recent millennia (wizards, orcs, goblins, trolls).

About every 200 cycles around Anor, Endor came into contact with a pernicious Maiar, known by various names—Sauron, Gorthaur the Cruel, the Necromancer, the Eye, the Nameless One, Ringmaker, Black Hand. His evil penetrated Endor spreading insidious threads that grew, multiplied and destroyed all life. The sentient peoples bonded together to fight this recurring menace. But not all believed the red eye would return yet again.

3018, the eleventh month of the twentieth cycle

The first rays of the sun glanced over the weyr’s star stone. The blue watch dragon let out an uneasy keen. Eowyn, Weyrwoman of Edoras, paced the cool flag stones of her weyr, her bare feet pushing aside a few stray grains of sand. She had awoken early after an uneasy night, unable to banish thoughts of the vivid the red eye growing larger in the east.

By the Shards of Narsil, how dared those hidebound oldtimers at Rivendell hold a so-called Council of Elrond and fail to inform her! She’d expect no less of Boromir. But the others!! They must, all of them, even the usually reliable G’mli and L’golas, be dazzled by that upstart Weyrwoman Arwen and her proddy dragon Eevenstarth.

She'd learned last night that F’rodo, son of D’rogo, rider of rogue dragon Samth, had apparently impressed a golden fire lizard, giving it the outlandish name Ringth. Master Harper Gandalf was of course only telling her half the story in true harper style. He’d admitted that the firelizard egg had come from a pirated clutch from the queen Precious, stolen by the renegade outcast Gollum and later appropriated by F’rodo’s uncle. This much was certain, but he would tell no more.

Fortunately his youthful apprentices, Meriadoc and Peregrin, were less closed mouthed. A few cups of Edoran wine and she'd gleaned from them the fact that there was some dispute about ownership of Ringth. As if a firelizard could look to more than one being at a time. Well, she'd have something to say about this! There would be time later to deal with the intractable Lord Holder Aragon. Why did that man distract her so.


Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of Eriador lies a small unregarded countryside.
In this land is an utterly insignificant little green town whose men-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think smoking is a pretty neat idea.
This town has--or rather had--a problem, which was this: most of the people living in it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of lots of small birthday gifts, which is odd becuse on the whole it wasn't the gifts that were unhappy.
And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with weed-pipes.
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming from Bree in the first place. And some said that even Bree had been a bad move and that no one should ever have left the Anduin.
And then, one Mid-Year's Day, over three thousand years after one maiar had gotten his finger cut off for trying to rule the world, a wizard sitting on his own at a small inn in Bree suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and he finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and (hopefully) no one would have to get any digits cut off.
Sadly, before he could arrange to get a letter sent, he made a mistake and headed South, and the idea was lost for ever.
This is not his story.
But it is the story of that mistake, and some of its consiquences.
It is also the story of a ring, a ring called 'The One Ring'--not a Shire ring, never made in the Shire, and until after the mistake occured, never seen or even heard of by any but a few Shire-folk.
Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable ring.
In fact, it was probably the most remarkable ring ever to come out of the great smoking mountain of Orodruin, of which few Shire-folk had ever heard either.
Not only is it a wholly remarkable ring, it is also a highly dangerous one--more dangerous than Vilya, more suductive than Nenya, and more destructive than Narya.
The One Ring scores over these older, more pedestrian works in two important respects.
First, it has a mind of it's own, and second, it has the words 'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul' inscribed in large friendly elven-script on its exterior.
But the story of this Mid-Year's Day, the story of it's extraordinary consequences, and the story of how these consequences are inextricably intertwined with this remarkable ring begins very simply.
It begins with a Hobbit-hole.


LotR according to Douglas Addams

If Bill Waterson took on Lord of the Rings

Calvin and Hobbes.
A quest thought the house to get to the cookies while avoiding the baby sitter.
Calvin: Frodo
Hobbes: Gandalf
Roslyn: Sauron/Saraman

Open on Calivin's bedroom, again unfairly sent to bed by Roslyn just after his parents leave for a night out.
Alone in bed Calvin looks out the window and makes a wish on the first star he sees.
Calvin: I wish there was a way I could get past Roslyn without getting into trouble like last time, but she took away my Stupendous man costume.

The door bursts open. A tall dark shadow stand in the door holding a staff and wearing a pointy hat. Calvin, wide eyed, pulls the covers up under his chin.

The drama is broken as the figure reaches up and switched on the light. It turns out to be Hobbes in a paper hat holding a toilet brush.

Hobbes:“Neato effects huh?”
Calvin: Who are you, Peter Jackson all of a sudden?

Next strip.

Hobbes standing next to the bed in his paper hat holding onto the toilet brush.
Hobbes: Roslyn sent you to bed at six o’clock?”
Calvin: Yeah! She’s still mad about me locking her boyfriend Chuck in the basement last time and not telling her. She needs to stop living in the past.
Hobbes: Well I think I’ve got an idea that will cheer you up.
Calvin: If you hid sardines in the bed again you’re going to get it and how.

Next strip.

Hobbes sitting on the bed in hat with brush in his lap. Calvin staring at him in astonishment.
Calvin: A quest? Like what? To foil an evil alien invasion? To save the world form over education?
Hobbes: Better than that, we’re going to destroy a ring!
Calvin: Oh no, count me out. Mom won’t let me anywhere near her jewelry box ever since that little incident with the buried Pirate treasure in the toilet.

Next strip.

Same scene.
Calvin looking at a small object in his hands: What is it?
Hobbes: It’s a Ring of Power. With it you can turn invisible!
Calvin: What does the inscription say?
Hobbes: It is written in the black speech of Odor, but in the common tongue it is a most terrible curse!
Calvin: It looks like it says “Roslyn, class of 2004.”
Hobbes: Fool of a Mook! Do not speak the black speech here!

Next strip
Calvin’s bedroom door. Calvin to one side, Hobbes to the other. Calvin peers out the slight opening.
Calvin: So you’re telling me that if we destroy this ring Roslyn’s powers as a babysitter will be destroyed as well?
Hobbes: Yup! And you’ll be free to sit up and eat cookies and watch TV all night long!
Calvin: And she’ll have to do anything I say?
Hobbes: Right again!
Calvin: Look out video store, here we come!
Hobbes: Vampire Vixens of Venus at last!

Next strip,
At the foot of the stairs, Calvin and Hobbes look around the corner and see Roslyn sitting on the couch reading with headphones on.
Calvin: This is going to be a snap! If I put the ring on it’ll make me invisible and I can walk right past her to the kitchen and drop it into the garbage disposal!
Hobbes: Oh no! You can’t put it on! If you do her evil radar power will pick you out and we’ll be done for for sure!
Calvin looking shocked: What kind of a stupid ring of power is that? Why not just have a foghorn on it and shout as we walk into the mouth of doom!
Roslyn getting up from the couch and taking the headphones off: Calvin? If you’re out of bed I’m going to tie you to the bedpost!
Hobbes pushing Calvin: Quick! Into the basement! It’s our only chance!

Next strip: Sunday full color.

Artwork: The fellow ship walk down a flight of stairs. Calvin as the Ring bearer.
Voice over: We walked the dark and lonely caverns of Moria, the bodies of fallen dwarves surrounding us. The threat of attack looming ever present. The stink of Orks hangs heavy in the air.

Artwork: The fellowship stand at the crossroads in Moria, Gandalf aka Hobbes pauses to try and remember the way.
Voice over: The quest to destroy the ring and seems cursed at every turn. Trapped here in the darkness we can only wonder at what evils the dark lord is causing on the outside world.

Artwork: The great hall of the Dwarven city
Voiceover: We gaze at a place long forgotten; in Awe and sadness, yet we press ever onward. But in the darkness unseen eyes track us.

Artwork: The fellowship look around in a panic as the sound of drums thunder in the air.
Voice over: Our luck was stretched to thin! Now the hordes will soon be upon us by the thousands and all will be lost in the city of the dead!

Artwork: The Barlog with the army of orks along side it rear up out of the darkness. The fellowship flees for their lives.
Voice over: The Creature of a time before time has come! A great fiery apparition as tall as a mountain lumbers through the great hall after the heroes. Doom seems certain! There is no fighting and no escape!

Artwork switches from fantasy back to reality.
Hobbes: It’s only the furnace coming on!
Calvin: Forsooth, I knew that! Now help me get out of the Dryer! I’m stuck!

Next strip

Hobbes holding a flashlight shines it up an old set of stairs: Hey, this must be the storm cellar door outside! We can get out here!
Calvin: Great idea, then what? Wait around outside until Mom and Dad get home and try to explain what I’m doing out in the dark in my pajamas with my dumb tiger?
Hobbes: Well it’s either out this door or we stay here and you starve.
Calvin: What do you mean me? You haven’t got anything to eat either!
Hobbes gives Calvin the “predatory” grin.
Calvin: Ok, give me a boost will you? The bottom step is broken.

Next strip
Outside the storm cellar doors.
Calvin: Ok Mister Wizard, we’re outside, now what?
Hobbes: I dunno, I’m tiered of doing all the thinking on this quest. You think of something.
Susie Derkins looks out her window and sees them both. She opens the window and calls to them.
Susie: Calvin? What on earth are you doing outside?
Calvin in a panicked voice: Egad! It’s the Elf Witch! She’s come to get us!

Next strip
Outside between Susie and Calvin’s houses, Susie is talking to Calvin from her bedroom window.
Susie: So you got locked in the basement and didn’t want to get in trouble so you came out this way?
Calvin: Forsooth and verily. The Wizard tiger and I are on a quest!
Susie: Yeah, right. How are you going to get back in?
Calvin eyeing the drainpipe of his own house: The wizard tiger is going to cook up a flying spell and we’re going to go back in through my bedroom window.
Susie walks away from her window: Right hang on a second.
Susie returns to the window: Here, You parents gave my parents a spare key for emergencies, just give it back tomorrow before anyone knows it’s missing.
Calvin Bows gracefully: Zounds, thou art truly a fair and just queen of the Elves and we are honored by your gifts.
Suzie: What ever, I just don’t want to be waken up by an ambulance coming to take you away after you fall off the roof.
Hobbes now animated since Susie is gone: Heh heh. Smoochie smoochie with the elf lady eh?
Calvin: Oh shut up.

Next strip
The back door to the house, in the kitchen.
Calvin: This is great! We can ditch the ring in the garbage disposal and destroy Roslyn’s babysitter powers before she knows what’s happening!
Hobbes: Lucky break for us! Then it’s cookies and tuna for everyone!
They open the door and start to sneak in. Roslyn steps around the corner she was hiding behind.
Roslyn: Ha! I got you now!
Calvin: The Ring! Quick where is it? We can turn invisible and get away!
Hobbes: you had it! I gave it to you!
Calvin: No you didn’t you bumbling old half-wit wizard!
Hobbes: Yes I did you half pint little…
Fight ensues, Roslyn sighs.

Next strip
Same scene
Roslyn reaches down and picks up a struggling Calvin and an inanimate Hobbes breaking up the “fight”.
Ros: I don’t know what you’ve been up to or why you were outside but I just know it’s going to be as bad as the superhero bit!
Calvin: But.. How did you know? We didn’t put on your ring!
Ros: So that’s why I found it on the floor next to the basement stairs! I thought I just left it in the bathroom! What were you going to do with… Never mind I don’t want to know.
Last frame: Calvin and Hobbes in bed looking disgruntled.
Calvin: Now what?
Hobbes: Either the land will be covered in an age of darkness or she tells your parents.
Calvin: I’m hoping for the darkness thing.

End.


Lord of the Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett.

It was a nice day.

All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than billions of them so far, according to the Silmarillion, and rain was uncommon this time of the year. But clouds massing east of Isengard suggested that a thunderstorm was on the way, and it was going to be a big one.

A wizard put his pipe between his teeth as the first drops fell.
"I'm sorry," he said politely. "What was it you were saying?"
"I said, that one went down like a lead balloon." said the other wizard.
"Oh. Yes." said the first wizard with the pipe, whose name was Gandalf the Gray.
"I think it was a bit of an under-reaction on my part, to be honest," said the other wizard. "I mean, first offense and leniency and everything. I can't see why you missed the events happening in the Shire, unless you must have been smoking too much of that hobbit weed."
"It can't be that bad," reasoned Gandalf, in the slightly concerned tones of one who can't see it either, and is worrying about it, "otherwise I wouldn't have noticed when Radagast came to see me. And why aren't you in white, come to think of it?"
"White? White cloth can be dyed, a white page can be overwritten. White light can be broken. And have you any idea how high my laundry bill is? White just shows all the muck and grime." said the other wizard, whose name was Saruman the White, although he was thinking of changing it now. White, he'd decided, was not his color...
"But it's no longer white, is it?," said Gandalf. "And you know, someone who breaks something just to see how it'd turn out is a plain bloody git. It's down to your basic, you know. Color. Nothing personal, Saruman the White."
"You've got to admit it's a bit of a pantomime, though," said Saruman. "I mean, a new Power is rising, and we can't really stand much against him, not with our old allies and all that rot. Not to mention, he provided me a new wardrobe as part of my new job benefits. Pretty good bargain, there. Maybe you could wear something other than gray."
"It's best not to talk like that, Saruman," said Gandalf. "I've heard speeches of that kind before, and they come straight out of Mordor."
They stood in embarrassed silence for a while, watching as fat drops of rain started to bruise the flowers.
Eventually, Saruman said, "You did find the Ring, didn't you? The one with the fiery writing on it."
"Er," said Gandalf. A guilty expression passed across his face, and then came back and camped there.
"You did, didn't you?" said Saruman. "It's supposed to flame like anything."
"Er. Well-"
"It looked very impressive, I thought, with that Black Speech all over it."
"Yes, but. Well-"
"Lost it, have you?"
"Oh no! No, not exactly lost, more-"
"Well?"
Gandalf looked wretched. "If you must know," he said a trifle testily, "Bilbo gave it away."
Saruman stared at him.
"Well, I had to let him do it," said Gandalf, rubbing his hands distractedly. "Frodo looked so sad, poor thing, and he's lost Bilbo and all, and what with the vicious Black Riders and all out there, and the storm coming up, he's just a poor little hobbit, and I thought well, where's the harm so I just said look, if you stay in the Shire there's going to be an almighty row, but you might be needing to carry this ring to Rivendell, so here it is, now go to the Prancing Pony in Bree and await my word, and all, just do me a favor and don't let the Nazgul get you here."
He gave Saruman a worried grin.
"That was the best cause, wasn't it?"
"I'm not sure if you could have done anything stupider, hobbit weed or no," Saruman said sarcastically, lifting his staff and brandishing it menacingly at Gandalf.
"Oh, I do hope not," he said. "I really do hope that this may not prove to be one of the lighter matters," Gandalf said, before Saruman levitated him all the way to the top of Orthanc, after hitting him about a few times.

It was cold, wet and rainy up there, and Saruman came up to watch the rain for a while.
"Funny thing is," said Saruman, "I keep wondering if this whole Ruling Ring business was the point- I mean, Sauron seems really bent on getting his hands on it, and it winds up in the hands of a little hobbit from the Shire. I wonder if that whole palantir business was the smart thing to do."
The green meadow below was covered in crazed lines that glowed dimly in the miserable rain, the light of the furnaces below shining up the walls of the tower.
"Not really," said Gandalf, huddling against one of the stargazing pillars trying to keep out of the cold- Saruman wasn't quite known for his hospitality, come to think of it.
Saruman looked at the sky.
"No," he said, sobering up. "I suppose not."
Slate-black curtains tumbled over Isenguard. Thunder growled among the hills. The Uruk-Hai, freshly made, went about their usual business of lurking in the rain.
Far away near the Ford of Bruinen, a tiny gold trinket flickered momentarily among the wet trees. And then the screams of the Nazgul pierced the air.
It was going to be a dark and stormy night.


More Prattchet.

The ghost of Boromir made a face as it got up from the ground. Aragon had just left his side and had been a little to emotional for one mad to be toward another. It had put him off a bit.
“He kissed me!” He said, scrubbing the back of his hand against his forhead. “What kind of thing is that for one man to do to another!”
I THINK HE WAS SHOWING HIS AFFECTION IN THE DEEPEST WAY HE KNEW HOW.
The voice was as deep as the dark ocean and had undertones of tombs and long forgotten funeral dirges. Still, Boromir was in no state of mind to realy notice.
“Yeah, but he KISSED me!” He ranted. “there I am, half a dozen arrows the size of oak trees sticking out of me and all he can do is kiss me! Some King of Gondor he’s s’posed to be! What about all that about ‘Healing hands’ they kept on about? Did he think to even try and take an arrow out?”
HEALING HANDS IS ONE THING, Said Death. IN YOUR CASE, I DON’T THINK IT MATTERED MUCH.
Calming down a little, Boromir sighed. “Well, at least I’m out of that. Stupid quest anyway. Elron pro’bly swapped the One Ring for something out of his jewelry box back in Rivendell. I am dead now right?”
VERY. Death said, looking over Boromir corps. I’M REALY SURPRISED YOU LSATED AS LONG AS YOU DID. I COUNT AT LEAST FIVE MORTAL WOUNDS AND ONE THAT WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR SPLEEN!
“Alright, just to make sure.” Boromir took what would have been a deep breath is he still had lungs to breath, and let loose a torent of curses on Elves, Dwarves, hobbits and Rangers that could have peeled varnish off of a table top.
FEEL BETTER?
“Very.” Boromir smiled, his form starting to fade. “What happens now?”
THAT, Death said, IS UP TO YOU.


"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."

-excerpt from Dr. Suess's FOTR.


The Lord of the Rings
or The Land of Middle-earth
by W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan

SCENE. -- Front yard of Bag End in Hobbiton, the Shire. Various hobbits discovered standing and sitting in various attitudes suggested by Rankin-Bass films and trippy illustrations from the 1970s.

CHORUS OF HOBBITS.

If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of the Shire;
In many an inn and bar,
By many an alehouse fire,
We dine on six meals a day;
Our attitude's bright and gay;
But we don't mean it that way, oh!
If you think we are cutesy-poo,
Like an Ewok or Jar-Jar Binks,
You don't know what we do:
When we don't smokes, we drinks!
Our dwelling is Hobbiton;
We only stand three foot one;
We use evil rings for fun, oh, oh!
We use evil rings for fun!
If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of the Shire;
In inn and bar, by alehouse fire;
In many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many a bar, oh, oh, oh, oh!
In inn and bar, by alehouse fire!

Enter Gandalf in great excitement. He carries a pack of fireworks on his back and a staff in his hand.

RECIT. -- GANDALF

Gentlemen, I pray you tell me
Where a gentle hobbit dwelleth, named Frodo,
The ward of Bilbo?
In pity speak, oh speak, I pray you!

TED SANDYMAN. Why, who are you who ask this question?
GANDALF. Come gather round me, and I'll tell you!

SONG and CHORUS -- GANDALF.

A wand'ring wizard I,
A thing of spells and magic,
Of stories dark and tragic,
Of counsel I'll prophesy...

That's where inspiration flagged. Although I could post the touching "Departure from Rivendell" scene...

A Lost Short Story by J.R.R. Tolkien

The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.

Ringlord

Frodo looked blankly at the garden. "Sam, is there a reason you pulled up all the flowers?"

"Oh yes sir, Mr. Frodo, sir. Cause a them wassits, the bugs gottem. Aye. Yessir."

Frodo turned his questioning stare back to Sam, "And I'm sure this has nothign to do with the fact that Farmer Maggot has been buying them for ten-pence a dozen, either?

"Errrr....Oh no, not a bit of it, Mr. Frodo."
* * *

About that time, the visiting Archprocurer of Old and Mostly Unwanted Documents to Stick on a Dark Shelf in the Library, Gandalf of the More-or-less-seen tower of Isenguard showed up at the Inn of the Prancing Pony. The rough and tumble Eastern men eyed him supiciously. WHich was not unusual, they eyed everyone suspiciously. Including themselves, when they were about a mirror. "Hello there, Barliman. Could you get me a pot of Ale? On my credit, if you please."

"You've been running up a good tab lately, Mr. Gandalf, sir. You sure you're good for it?"

Oh, of course, Butterbur. 'Sides, the same law goes all down to Mordor. The night watch'd have my hide if I tried to cheat you. And its not like I expect some horrible fiend from beyond the pale of mortal ken to fight me in a gigantic duel above an ancient Dwarven City, leading to both our deaths, after all.

Barliman stared at Gandalf. "Errr... that wouldn't be a Balrog you're a speakin' of, right?

"Exactly sir. I cannot possibly be speaking of a Balrog since they don't exist. Hence I must be good for my debt. Haha."

~Terry Pratchet, though he would have done a much better job than I, surely.

The trouble with writing an epic, I find, is knowing just where to begin. So here I am, quill and parchment at the ready, a full bowl of pipeweed and, dash it, have great difficulty in beginning! That's the trouble with epics, as I suspect old Treebeard himself would say, and wasn't he a one for insisting that every story begin at the very beginning - of time, that is, and it takes all one's memories of school training to be polite to the old boy when you're rushing to catch an Eagle.

I brought this up with Gandalf when he dropped by yesterday. "Gandalf", I said, "Do you remember that old ROP we dropped into the crack of Mount Doom?" He did, of course. It was one of those rectangular - no, I mean rhetorical - questions. How could one forget? It was a tale to freeze thy blood, to make one's hair stand on end like quills upon the fretful porpentine - though I've never understood why one says porpentine when you mean porcupine. Something to do with elves, no doubt. I had been thinking of making a start by putting one of the elven marching songs on the title page, but all I can remember os 'Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong, I hurry along', which would never do. Elrond would never approve.

So Gandalf applied himself to the task at hand - and that's a sight to see that makes strong men gasp and the ladies swoon. You could see the blood whizzing through that magnificent brain of his, chock full of all that health food he grazes on with Tom Bombadil. When there's a problem to be solved, just slip a few nuts and berries to old Gandalf and stand back, I say. Frightening, really.

So after a good think, Gandalf suggested Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday, and I knew right away I held the winning ticket, cash for life with no taxation. "Perfect" I told him. "That's just precisely where I'll set the starting post. You have hit the n. right on the h."

P. G. Wodehouse


__________________
On this particular evening, something changed hands quietly in the back of a hobbit-hole in the Shire many miles from the dark realm of Mordor. A small, metallic something. Something which could be accurately described as a circular loop of shining metal.


The land of Middle Earth was almost oblivious to the change of ownership, which was wonderful for the two parties concerned. The trade went unnoticed among the citizens of Rivendell, it escaped the Nazgul completely, and even the dark lord himself continued straight on with his day without noticing. This was a pity for him, because it was exactly the thing he had been searching for all these years.

-- from The Mostly Harmless Ring of Power, by Douglas Adams

See Frodo run,
Run Frodo run.
See Sauron search,
Gollum and Frodo are playing,
Oops, Gollum dropped the ring in Mount Doom.
Now Sauron will have to find another ring.

-- See Frodo Run

Frodo crept down the stairs of the of the castle, his invisible cloak sweeping around his legs. He simply had to get the ring into Professor Saurons office without attracting attention. The castle was quite and he made his way without difficulty. A faint light was glowing from under the Professors door but nobody appeared to be in the office. Sneaking in quietly, he saw the volcano on the ledge bubbling quietly. He was just about to throw this ring into the fiery chasm when the door burst open and the Professor strode in. Not having time to think, Frodo Potter froze on the spot, grateful for being invisible.

Professor Sauron wasn't the only person who entered the room however. A massive hulking glowing monster had also ambled in alongside him and they were now deep in a conversation. Frodo froze, although he had never met one of those before, he had heard about it enough times to know that the thing standing in front of him was a Balrog!

"I want you to send a message to Professor Saruman, Tell him that I am prepared to join forces so that we can both live our lives without worrying about prying eyes. Fly swiftly for I need the message soon"

"But I dont have no wings" said the Balrog dumbly

"Use a broomstick you fool" snarled professor Sauron and swiftly left the classroom.

So it was true thought Frodo Potter, Sauron wan't to get rid of him and he was willing to enlist the help of Saruman to do it. He had to tell his friends Pippin and Merrione, they would know what to do.

"striding out of the classroom as fast as he could, he turned down a corridor without looking and a giant flash of green light blinded him. The scar on his forehead was now excruciating with pain. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the figure of Elrond laughing madly.

Frodo gradually became aware that he was now lying in a bed. Trying to get up, he heard a gently voice in his ear.

"Ah, Frodo, it seems we are up and about already", it was the gentle voice of Headmaster Gandalf.

"I suppose you want to know what happened last night, It turns out that your last Defense against Dark Arts teacher wasn't really Elrond at all but was actually Lord Melkor's minion, Smeagol. You see, nobody actually knew what Elrond looked like before he came to HobbitWarts becuase he kept to himself. When Smeagol arrived, we all assumed it was Elrond. Quite unfortunate really."

"But I saw Professor Sauron with that Balrog, he was talking about removing those prying eyes"

"Yes, Sauron was one of the first suspect something about Smeagol, it was all those potions full of rotten fish that gave it away he said. He knew he couldn't tackle Smeagol alone so he enlisted the help of Saruman. He was the one who found you unconcious"

"You mean... Sauron is innocent?" stammered Frodo

"Yes you fool of a Took! I've been trying to tell you that for the last 4 years" snapped Gandalf rather angrily "Now get some rest so we can send you home to your awful Uncle Bilbo"

-- Frodo Baggins and the One Ring by JK Rowling ("Frodo Baggins and the Knarliest Ring" in the USA)

LOTR: Choose Your Own Adventure

You're sitting in your hole, smoking a pipe and drinking some fine hobbit ale, when the door knocks. Outside, there's Gandalf the Wizard. Do you let him in?

If yes, go to page 65, if no, turn to page 43.

Page 65
"Ah, my dear Frodo, it's good to see you. Now, my boy, I'm here on urgent business. The magic ring your Uncle Bilbo took from Gollum is cursed, and must be taken far from here, until we decide what to do with it. Will you take on this mission?"

If yes, go to page 13, if no, turn to page 72:

Page 72:
"Your courage does you honor, Frodo. Take this ring, and I'll meet you later. Do you want me to meet you at Galdriel's tree fortress or at Elrond's palace?"

For Galadriel's fortress, go to page 88, for Elrond's palace, turn to page 27.

Page 68:
As you enter the forest, the beautiful Galadriel and her footmen greet you. She says, "My, you're courageous to take this quest. Carrying that ring must be exhausting. Would you like to keep it, or give it to me?"

To keep the ring, go to page 47, to give it to Galadriel, turn to page 88.

Page 88:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, you foolish halfling," she cries. "Now I am beautiful and terrible and mighty, and will rule all the Earth."

As she laughs, she signals her minions to torure you to death. At least, you die knowing you won't be around to see all of Earth under her tyranny.

THE END

The Reverend Dodgson submits the following:
Frodo was beginning to get very tired of living with his uncle Bilbo in Hobbiton and of having nothing to do: once or twice he had peeped into the red book in which Bilbo was writing, but he couldn’t make it out and it did not have enough pictures of elves, ‘and what is the use of a book,' thought Frodo `without pictures of elves?'

So he was considering in his own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made him feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of having an ale with Sam in Bywater would be worth the trouble of getting up and collecting Same, when suddenly a dwarf with a blue hood and walking stick ran close by him.

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Frodo think it so very much out of the way to hear the Dwarf say to himself, `Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late! And Balin will be so angry with me' (when he thought it over afterwards, it occurred to him that he ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the dwarf actually took a large axe out of its belt, and swung it a few times as if preparing for battle, and then hurried on, Frodo started to his feet, for it flashed across his mind that he had never before seen a Dwarf in Hobbiton with either an axe or a belt to remove it from, and burning with curiosity, he ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large hole under the hedge.

In another moment down went Frodo after it, never once considering how in the world he was to get out again. The hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Frodo had not a moment to think about stopping himself before he found himself falling down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for he had plenty of time as he went down to look about him and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, he tried to look down and make out what he was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then he looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps of Middle Earth and pictures of dragons hung upon pegs. He took down a jar from one of the shelves as he passed; it was labeled `LEMBAS,' but to his great disappointment it was empty . . . .

From Frodo's Adventures in Middle Earth, by Lewis Carroll.

Frodo jacked in.

He felt huge, invincible, unstoppable. Some small part of him knew that was the hits of pipe-weed talking, skewing his sense of self, making his nerves scream like they were being raked over rusted chrome. Knew, and didn't care.

Over his shoulder he could feel Sam hovering, a hollow nonentity. It was eerie knowing he was back there, like having an itch in a limb long amputated. All around him the middle-matrix arced off into an impossible blue infinity, gridlines benchmarking the empty nonspace.

"There it is," came Sam's voice. "That's the ice. Good luck breakin' in there, man, that was made by a military AI. Name of ephelduath. You ain't seen nuthin' like it. They say it's two way ice. Not only will it fry your brainpan tryin' to get in, nuthin' inside can work its way out. Leastaways, not without sarumancer's say-so."

Frodo wished Sam would shut the hell up. He also wished he wasn't about to do what he came for. He wished a lot of things. He surveyed this sector of cyberspace. Before him was the ephelduath ice, shadowy and indistinct, and very very deadly. And beyond it, just visible through the whorls of lethal, greasy code, was sarumancer himself. The Dark Lord presented in the middle-matrix as a collosal data construct, angular and hideous. A mountain of vicious, evil information so dense it was hard to look at, hard to take in all at once. It played tricks on the eyes. Each nodule, each piece of it seemed to contain a perfect glittering symmetry. A simple frightening geometry. But taken altogether it became a great organic pyramidal thing, a digital volcano spewing mirrored liquid spheres of awareness out into the void. These spheres, Frodo knew, served as sarumancer's eyes. When they intersected a gridline, at random, they would latch onto it and streak off in an unchosen direction in a vain effort to apprehend, to know, to see, all of the middle-matrix at once.

Here we go. He drew out the elvish icebreaker and contemplated its image for a moment. Given to him by Galadriel herself. He activated it, his unseen fingers moving fluidly over the keys of his Ono-Sendai. Triggered, the icebreaker flared up, a searing point of magnesium brilliance. He clicked forward, towards the ice. Slowly. Click. Carefully. Click. The elvish icebreaker encountered ephelduath's handiwork, and forced it to recede. The ice's killer algorithms spiralled futiley around Frodo and Sam as they rode the icebreaker inwards...

From The Lord of the Rings by William Gibson

The Khazad-dum Bridge Disaster
Beautiful Stony Bridge of the Dwarven mines!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That two lives have been taken away
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the Balrog it burn't with all its might,
And the fire came pouring down,
And the dark orcs seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the fire seem'd to say-
"I'll pass across the Bridge today."

When the party left Rivendell
The Fellowship's hearts were light and they felt quite well,
But Boromir threw a terrific strop,
Which made their hearts for to stop,
And many of the Fellowship with fear did hum-
"I hope Elbereth Gilthoniel will send us safe across the Bridge of Khazad-dum."

But when the hobbits were ready to feed their tum,
The Balrog he gathered his orcish scum,
And shook the whole structure of the Bridge of Khazad-dum
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the Wizard mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Khazad-dum,
Until he was looking at the Balrog's bum,
Then the whole bridge gave way with a hiss,
And down went Gandalf and Fiend into the abyss!
The Fiery Fiend did loudly quip,
Because he'd gotten Gandalf with his whip,
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe which could not have been worse
The alarm from mouth to mouth spread from river to firth,
And the cry rang out all o'er Middle Earth,
The Khazad-dum Bridge is blown down - O Elbereth!
And in the Fellowship from Rivendell,
Of which all the people were scared as h*ll,
Because they all heard Gandalf's yell
"Fly, you fools!" Well, none had breath to to tell
How the disaster happen'd on the last last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.


by William F. McGonagall

The unofficial Australian version...
Once a jolly wizard camped by a dwarven mine,
Under the shade of the mountains misty,
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Down came a monster to grab at that Ring-bearer:
Up jumped Lego-las and loaded his bow with glee,
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up came a Numorean, carrying his broken sword;
Down came the hobbits, one, two, three:
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up jumped the pony Bill and fled from the scene quickly;
"You'll never take me in there!" thought he;
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Apologies to A.B. "Banjo" Paterson

Err... I don't know where that came from. But I *do* know where this came from:

Belrond lounged indolently back in his chair, scratching at his formal purple robe in mild irritation. "Why do I have to wear this thing, anyway?"

Arwen smirked at him. "I think it helps them to think of you as
somewhat respectable, Old Wolf. Frodo, if you don't stop playing with it, it will never leave you alone."

Frodo looked up from the glowing blue ring in his lap. "But it keeps singing to me. Why's it doing that?" Belrond and Arwen exchanged a glance. "It does that to everyone, Frodo. Now, put it back in your pouch and let's go. I'm sure the council is about to start."

As if on cue, Legolas entered, bowing deeply. "Ancient and Beloved, Lady Arwen, the kings have assembled and await thy presence." Rolling his eyes, Belrond lead them down the hallway towards the council chamber. Frodo stared at the rich tapestries and columns of pure white marble, thinking how a few months ago, he had been living in a simple hobbit-hole, and Aunt Arwen was just Aunt Arwen and not someone to be treated with respect by kings.

As they rounded a corner, Belrond was nearly floored by a dirty fist. Legolas watching in disbelief, Belrond wrestled his assailant to the ground, each of them letting out a stream of curses that curled Frodo's ears. Finally, they separated, and Belrond cursed again, muttering "What's got into that ratty excuse for a head on your shoulders, Gandalf?"

His opponent, a hairy, misshapen fellow clad in grimy grey robes, glared back. "That's for sending me to Saruman's tower on a fool's errand, Belrond. The old goat sat me on his roof for three months. I'm lucky he lost concentration and let me shift into falcon form before I started getting too hungry." With a belch, he turned his attention to Arwen. "You're getting fat, Arwen. Aragorn finally knock you up, or you just letting yourself go?"

Legolas gasped, but Arwen regarded the ugly wizard calmly. "When's the last time you took a bath, Gandalf?"

Gandalf shrugged negligently, scratching himself "I think a storm rained on me a couple years ago, while I was watching Kal Sauron's tomb."

...

-- Lord of the (Blue) Rings, by David Eddings

Lothlorien Rhapsody
Written by Freddie Mercury
(As told by Dionysus, performed by Frodo and the Sweathogs)

(Frodo)
Is this the real life?
Is this High Fantasy?
Caught in a land war.
No escaping my destiny.

(Sam)
Open your eyes, look up to the sky and see...

(Frodo)
I’m just a Hobbit, I need no sympathy.
These Rings are easy come, easy go, Little high, little low.
Anywhere these Rings go doesn’t really matter to me, to me...

(Eowyn)
Mama, just killed a wraith,
Put my sword up to his head,
Ran him through and now he’s dead.

(Gollum)
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away.

(Frodo)
Mama, oooh, Didn’t mean to make you cry,
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on, as if these Rings don’t really matter...

(Sauron)
Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

(Bilbo)
Goodbye, ev’rybody, I’ve got to go...
Gotta leave you all behind and face the West....

(Gollum)
Mama, ooooh, [(Frodo) Anywhere the Rings go...] I don’t want to die.
I sometimes wish I’d never found this Ring at all....

(Cool guitar riff.)

(Hobbits)
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Saruman! Saruman! What will you do with Frodo?
(The Nine Wraiths)
Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very fright’ning- me!

(Merry) Gandalf-eo! (Legolas) The Grey Pilgram!
(Merry) Gandalf-eo! (Legolas) The Grey Pilgram!
(Merry and Legolas) Gandalf-eo, Mithrandir...
(Gollum) Smeagol....

(Frodo)
I’m just a Hobbit and nobody loves me.
(Fellowship)
He’s just a Baggins, from a Shire family.
Spare him his life of this Ring bear-r-ring.

(Gollum)
Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) No, I will not let you go!
(The Nine) Let him go!
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) I will not let you go!
(The Nine) Let him go!
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) I will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me go!
(Sam and Frodo) Will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me go!
(Sam and Frodo) Will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me goooo!...
(Fellowship) No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(Bilbo)
Mama mia, mama mia!
(Gollum)
Mama mia let me go!

(Frodo)
The Loooord of Mordor has a Ring-Wraith set aside for me...
For Me......
For MEEEEEEE!!!

(REALLY cool guitar riff.)

(Sauron)
So you think you can fool me and spit in my Eye?
(Gollum)
So you think you can use me and leave to die?
(Sauron and Gollum)
Oh, Frodo! Can’t do this to me, Frodo!

(Frodo and Sam)
Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here...

(Even more cool guitar...)

(All)
Oohh Yeah! Oooh Yeah!

(Galadriel)
These Rings don’t really matter, anyone can see...
(Elrond)
These Rings don’t really matter...
(Gandalf)
These Rings don’t really matter...
(Galadriel, Elrond, Gandalf, Bilbo)
To me.....

(Frodo)
Anywhere these Rings go...

I think I’d better stop now!

Should also mention that I finally finished the London Book on New Year’s Eve and am now deep into Terry Pratchett’s The Amazing Maurice And His Educated Rodents.

Woohoo. Happy New Year and all that.

Had a pretty quiet day yesterday after staying up to the wee small hours watching telly on NYE. Joan at work 12-4 so I just did a bit of music listening and preparing of tables, veggies and the like before Ma, Pa, Richard and also Jerry came along for dinner. That went really well and after they got over the surprise of Jerry being there Ma & Pa were on great form. And they managed to get more chat out of him than I've ever heard. We'd suspected he'd had a few different jobs in the past and been a bit of a wide-boy/wheeler-dealer in the past but now we know it for certain. Seems to have done everything from selling truck parts to running his own haulage company to driving paint tankers. Also whiskey and wine tankers, which always arrived at their destinations slightly emptier than they started!

Still quiet in the office today, which is nice as I can't say I've done anything that could be counted as work yet... Popped out at lunchtime as couldn't be bothered to make lunch this morning. Ended up spending the best part of 60 quid on the Iron Maiden box set. Ooooops. Oh well, it had to be owned.

Time for the last entry of 2002.

I think I'll leave the reflection on the year stuff until another day as there are one or two crappy things that stick out and they need to be put into a proper perspective.

Anyway, another quiet day in the office today. The queues had dropped to tolerable levels in town today so I actually spent some money at lunch time. A couple of low-fat cookbooks Joan was after and also a couple of DVDs (The Italian Job and War Games). No plans for anything major tonight to see in 2003 as Joan has to work tomorrow. Bloody Argos. Even Woolworths aren't opening. I guess they will be so quiet that everyone will agree it was a waste of time and not try it again for a couple of years or absolutely hammered with customers. Not sure which option I'd put my money on though.

So, have a happy New Year one and all. See you in 2003.

OK, so I should have been updating this from home over the last week or so, and I did mean to. But somehow other things got in the way as they are wont to do and so here I am trying to remember the good bits to write up.

Anyway, Christmas on the whole was pretty good. If you just assume that any time not directly referred to here was spent listening to loud music and/or playing games you'll be about right.

As was to be expected, having four days off with Joan was brilliant. Even if by the end of Christmas Day she was feeling pretty ill and ended up spending most of Boxing Day in bed. But before that we had some good times.

On the monday we did the final shopping for stuff followed by the final wrapping of presents session. That took ages and left me with a painful right leg after sitting awkwardly on the floor. I had a nasty fall in a basketball match back in school (so getting on for 20 years ago now) and every now and then it flares up again so I'm guessing that was the cause of it. So spent Christmas Eve hobbling and taking tablets from time to time. Which was OK until Jerry popped in for a drink and I changed to alcohol for my anaesthetic! Well, actually I only had 1 glass of mulled wine then and 1 of normal red at ma & pa's later on so I was good really. Again!

That was a great evening. Roast Goose and all the trimmings. I do like a nice bit of goose and think we should have it more often, even if it is horrendously expensive. And then of course there were big heaps of presents to get through and we were all spoiled rotten. As is only right and proper of course. Loads of CDs and DVDs and several interesting books to hopefully find time to read in 2003. OK so I still have many other books waiting to be read, but some of the new ones are going higher up the list.

We then went along to the midnight service at the church round the corner from us. I still don't know what I definitely believe in (like, I feel all this around us is too wonderful to have come along by chance but don't buy in to a lot of the other stuff purported by most religions) but did quite enjoy it. If nothing else I do like carols - for their getting everyone singing and being of the time of year aspects as well as nostalgia value if nothing else. Joan unfortunately coughed most of the way through, but I think she felt good for going after all the crap she's had to put up with this year. And then it was home to bed.

We managed to stay in pretty late for a change this year. Then many more presents for each other. Not going to list them here as that would be boastful or something but will mention that Joan once again indulged me with a power tool - the new Black & Decker screwdriver thing with the rotatable head to get into tight spots. Yummy.

Popped next door later on to see the neighbours (never!) and pass over a pressie or two for the kids and a token something for them. Despite all the parking hassles they've indulged in (plus him not speaking to us for moths becasue of said hassles). Kids and Patti have always been fine but Steve was a bit surprised I think when we turned up. Still, soon thawed out and we had a laugh. Hopefully the hassle factor will diminish now. Then it was off to Helen's for Christmas dinner.

This is actually the first one we haven't cooked since we've been married, which made for a nice change. We contributed the veggies and pudding but they did all the work. And of course there were yet more nice presents there as well. We also played some games and generally had a good time.

Boxing Day, as I said, Joan spent mostly in bed so I caught up on some reading and for the bits where she did feel like coming down we watched some films. Space Cowboys was brilliant, as was the BBC's new version of The Hound Of The Baskervilles.

Friday saw Joan back at work and dealing with loads of bargain-hungry punters as well as the inevitable post-christmas returns and refunds. (And one of those was me - we had bought a new Dolby Digital surround system for the tv/DVD player which should have solved some of our space, wiring, big speaker worries but it turned out to be a dog - hummed when on stand-by and picked up interference from the heating). In the evening it was back round to Ma & Pa for another nice meal and (for Joan) more presents as Saturday was her birthday.

Yup, my good lady has now reached the age of 50. I know there are many out there who can't get their head round me marrying someone older and others who reckoned it wouldn't last but we are still both deliriously happy. As I have said to her many times, if I was bothered by the age gap I woudln't have got as far as marriage. Obviously I bought her loads more stuff, including a locket she had been after to put picks of her Mum & Dad in, but I think she was a bit taken aback by the number of people at work who also bought her nice things. So that made having to work on Saturday bearable for her. And we went to Helen's again for dinner so that rounded the day off nicely.

Yesterday we braved the incessant rain to come into Ipswich and look at the sales. And I'm glad we did. Got a few bargains and generally had an enjoyable time. Also found the town fairly empty of people which was nice. When I went out for a wander today most shops seemed to have queues like we used to see on the TV from Russia back in the bad old days.

So, now back at work. Most of the office not here though so I have been able to spend most of the day catching up on a week's worth of stuff on the Llamasoft Forums. And shortly off home via a bit of shopping so that's it for today.

Crikey. Just phoned Joan to tell her I'd managed to get her a little keyring torch like she wanted for her work keys and she hit me with a bombshell in return. Tracey, her boss, has handed in her notice. Fed up of the whole thing and now she has her posh boyfriend doesn't need to do it for the money. So she's off. Unfortunately it doesn't seem they want to appoint from within store at the moment so Joan is not likely to end up withthe job and money to go with it. Just hope she gets someone nice then.

Or perhaps they'll go back to Satelliting it from Ipswich. That would be OK as she would then get an additional payment and some more responsibility with less direct hassle on her shoulders. Worked before...

Woo. Finally finished shopping for Joan's Christmas and Birthday presents. Now just have the annual trial of deciding which things to give her on which days. Always a tough one.

Anyway, not really been up to much else since Monday. Just doing a bit of work between looking about the web really. And Ma, Pa & Richard popped round last night to say Ooooh at the pretty lights and admire our carpet. Or something.

Now off to a dull meeting then home before last day at work tomorrow.

Wibble.

And another weekend has been and gone in a flash. Well, if we are being strictly honest more of a damp grey blur as the sun never really came out and there was far too much rain for anything really flashlike.

Anyway, I digress. But what's new there?

Saturday started a bit later than usual owing to Joan having worked late on Friday night and thus not needing to go in ather normal hour. Then it was a quick trip to the shops to pick up the mats made form the dining room carpet offcuts and to the doctors to put in a prescription request.

The rest of the day saw me pretty much chained to the ironing board. OK, not literally chained but you know what I mean. Richard came along and drove the PC/MD side of getting some music recorded off the hard drive and all went pretty well. In the evening I got the player back down again to record Elton John at the Royal Opera House off the TV.

Yesterday was a very Christmassy day. Went out and shopped for loads of bits and treats and also a tree. Yup, finally done the deed and gone for a real growing in a pot one rather than the plastic one from the loft. It looks really good with all the lights and stuff on. Also put up the lights in the window and also new for this year some for the front garden. I'd like to stick a few up on the house itself but a morbid fear of falling off high ladders somehow puts me off. Gone for a restrained look with the rest of the decs this year though and it all looks very nice.

Another dull grey day today to complete the set. This has lead once again to low motivation here but I have done a few useful things.

Well, the carpet does indeed look flipping wonderful. I can't believe how well it goes with the walls and stuff. Woo. And we got all the cables re-connected with no hassles and possibly a new way to keep some of them out of view, so that should be good for the future.

Today has been another one of low productivity for me. Blasted internet. Actually, I wouldn't have done much without the web to distract me - still feeling totally not bothered about things. Must do my best to have a good weekend which should help me do stuff next week. And then a week off for Christmas so if I come back feeling gloomy after that I'll have to start looking around again.

I was going to write a bit more on the trials and tribulations of past yuletide festivities but can't recall what I wanted to say now. Isn't that always the way! If it comes back to me I will try to jot it down sometime.

Instead I'll warp back to Primary School days and the dreaded Christmas Plays. Dreaded by the parents of course, I always enjoyed them. But then I did manage to get good parts in many of them. There were three infant and four junior classes at Panshanger Junior Mixed Infants (known to all as Panshanger JMI) meaning 7 epic productions for them to sit through, and one class always had to do the nativity while the others generally adapted fairy tales in a non-pantomime method.

Those I can recall being in were - a modern (well, for 1976) re-telling of the Christmas/Nativity story to a couple of alien visitors. I played one of the visitors wearing a "proper" spacesuit as borrowed from Graham Kirk.

The Nativity (natch) as Joseph. That year it was a shared role (as Joseph) between me and Frankie Connolly (Boo, hiss) so I only did two of the four performances. And I forgot to (a) lose the chewing gum before going on stage for one of them and then (b) my lines prompting me to turn my head skywards and ask "Oh God, what do say now"? to much amusement from the audience and annoyance from our teacher. Still, the tea towel on the head routine must have gone down OK as costume.

The Snow Queen - adaptation of the fairy tale. All that sticks in my mind on this one is jumping in with an ad-lib in one scene as I had somehow ended up with a non-speaking part and that was just not on after taking the lead in previous productions!

The Nutcracker - another adaptation. I was the toymaker who created the stuff in that one.

The other years have flown from my memory banks but I'm sure I was just as good in those!

After heading on up to Secondary School my acting was confined to Drama lessons in the first three years. There were big school productions put on once or twice a year, but they were strictly paying audience, big scenery, proper costumes, rehersals in your own time stuff and nearly always required singing so I gave them a miss. Anyway, we had a computer at home by then which was more fun to spend my free time on. We still went to see most of them though - Grease, Bugsy Malone, Dracula, The Wiz, Sweeny Todd etc and not just to laugh at the friends who had ended up on stage.

Hmm, time for another early finish today I think.

Another pretty dull day here so far. The highlight has been comming up with yet another version of the office layout that we are all happy with. Which has come about largely as a result of Mitchell finally putting his foot down and telling Ian he has to move away from the window to be in the centre of the two teams he is now overseeing. And in the end I end up in almost the same place as I am now, just a bit closer to the window and further from the noise of Barry. Which can't be bad.

We have also had the windows cleaned outside by a man with a long pole (Oooo-er missus). Obviously instead of doing them this morning they waited until a few minutes ago when it began to rain anyway. Splendid timing as always.

Oh, and a delivery of Ipswich Borough Council junk for us to fight over as a reward to those involved in the Gyratory scheme. I think I will pass on any of it - all tat.

On the home front we now have a carpet in the lounge again. Woo. Joan tells me it looks great, which is a relief as I picked it on my own and wouldn't have wanted to end up with one she didn't like. So I will be leaving here as soon as I can tonight in order to get the furniture back and all the electronics re-wired. All that will remain then will be to find some way of disguising a few more of the cables. Any innovative suggestions welcomed. Joan is out later on so I am getting Richard to help with the "plumbing" so hopefully we'll have time for a spot of Cubing as well.

Less than two weeks to Christmas now, which means I only have to come in here 6 more times. Really looking forward to the break as I think I need to catch up on some sleep as well as books, cds, films, games and stuff. Been thinking back to past Christmases a bit as well over the last few days. When we were in Welwyn Garden City they were all pretty much the same - Christmas Eve we would do things the Danish way with Dad's family. Initially this would rotate between our house, Uncle Mick and Aunt Kir. But then Mick & Kir fell out over something and it was just ours or Mick's from then on. The only one at Kir's I can recall must have been about 1979 or 80 as I distinctly recall unwrapping a set of new, dropped handlebars for my bike of the time (a Puch Mini-Sprint, fact fans) and I know that I got a newer bike in around 1981 as I used that at Primary School for my cycling profficiency test in 1982 at the latest.

It's funny, but I can't clearly remember any other presents from more than a few years ago, just those handlebars. I know we were generally spoilt rotten (still are) and that there were always books but nothing leaps out. Oh, apart from the board games. Until the early 80s there was an old lady in the bungalow next to us who Mum used to keep an eye on, and her kids used to buy us board games every year. Mousetrap, Connect 4, Downfall, Buccanear, Cluedo, Guess Who and my personal fave - Pathfinder. In that one you had two boards each and a screen between you with the aim being to build a maze and then find your way through the opponent's before they escaped yours. Top stuff with great fun in the layout stage.

Christmas Night we would generally have Farmor staying with us so Richard and I would end up sharing one bedroom or the other. Leading to much fun in the early hours when stockings were being opened. Then after lunch we would go down to Grandma & Grandpa's to meet up with Mum's lot and more chaos would ensue. Some years there would be games there, but mostly I just remember eating more and more and squeezing into a corner with a book.

Then Boxing Day top relax and vegetate with the presents and obligatory old film (yo, the Great Escape).

After we moved up to Felixstowe things got a bit trickier. The first couple of years we stayed over at G&Gs but that has now all gone by the wayside. More on that tomorrow I think.

Why am I finding it so hard to do any real work at the moment? I just can't be bothered with it. In fact I can't really be bothered with anything much at the moment which could get to be a bit awkward soon. Oh well, motivation is surely only around the corner.

Battery in the digital camera ran out yesterday and it seems there is no mains recharger unit for it. I can get a mains adaptor fine, but it won't let me charge up batteries in situ so I have just bought a normal set of rechargables for it to see how they go instead. I did consider plugging the charger in here this afternoon to get it up and runnig, but they take 8 hours so I'm waiting for tonight. Ooooh, what a thrilling life I lead some days.

Full demolition of the lounge tonight as the carpet is coming tomorrow. I wonder how long it will take me to get the tv, vcr, dvd, hi-fi bits and all other electronic gubbins plugged back in.

Work Christmas dinner today. So not much done this morning in the build up and even less this afternoon (unless grabbing mp3s counts!). At least I came back to the office to answer the phones though, unlike some I could mention. Still, very nice duck with shallots and beans and honey sauce and stuff. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Nothing else to say!

What a fun and busy weekend that was.

After a very rushed dinner on Friday night (and a chaotic search for Joan's missing Argos card, followed by cancellation of said when it failed to turn up) we picked up Ma & Pa and went down to the Spa for the FMT Pantomime. They go because Dad used to be involved backstage and we go for a laugh. Cinderella this year. On the whole it was pretty good, although the first part was a bit too long, being stretched out by a couple of unnecessary dance routines that were probably only squeezed in to get value out of some of the hired-in costumes! Still, all silly fun and Mum won a plant in the raffle.

Saturday Joan was at work and had her Christmas Dinner in the evening so I was pretty much left to my own devices. The day got split into Ironing (never) complete with DVD commentaries (Gladiator and another of the ones from American Pie 2) and computery fun. Some of which Richard came along for. Not managed to crack any more levels on Super Monkey Ball, and Pikmin is driving me nuts trying to work out how to get past some of the beasties without getting too many of my little chaps killed, but fun all the same. Not much else to say really! Joan had a great meal and enjoyed herself lots dancing afterwards.

Yesterday we did our big Christmas Shopping trip to Ipswich. Came in on the Park & Ride and got practically everything we were after. OK, so we also ended up doing the usual trick of buying ourselves stuff while we were out but I think we managed to justify all that to ourselves. Then when we were broke we went to the cinema to see Harry Potter 2 which rounded off the day nicely. Another good book to screen translation although obviously some bits had to be changed and cropped to make it fit in the time. The cast were also all superb once again, and I'm not sure how they will do the next one as well - especially after the death of Richard Harris. The only real downer was too many adverts beforehand and a lack of trailers, so I can't even get excited about forthcoming features (other than Lord of the Rings 2 of course).

Today at work has been chilly but otherwise busy. OK, so I could have been a little bit less busy if I'd worked all day rather than catching up on the weekend's events on the Llamasoft forum but hey... They had a meet up over the weekend I couldn't get to so the least I could do was read the reports. Also got some more presents for Joan (hey, I was paying attention to her hints yesterday) as well as a couple of CDs for me as part of an offer - Halford/Resurrection (which I have listened to this afternoon while working) and the 4th Feed Your Head compilation of hippy dance stuff.

Now to go home and relax a bit!

Bit of a drab day yesterday at work with nothing really to say. In fact the only thing that kept me awake in the morning was not knowing where Joan was due to her not answering any phone and me getting a bit panicy as a result. Turned out she was next door. Then the evening got off to a bad start after I clipped the gate post on the way in to the drive (again!) due to crowding from other parked cars and trying to get away from some idiot on my tail. Broken one of the wheel trims so that will mean a new set some time after Christmas. Bloody marvellous. Felt great after that!

Oh well, back in the office again now but shortly off to a Car Parks meeting.

Oh God, never have I been so wet whilst being paid for it. Or, in other words, been out doing a bit of roadside work with Gary and we got absolutely drenched. To the point where we had to go back to his flat and then our house to change after giving up. The rain was doing pretty well at putting us off, but when a truck came along and tidal waved at us we decided enough was enough. So we got some takeaway food and sat in the living room watching tv and then playing Super Monkey Ball. All fun and games but now back in the office to show we care!

Got the new curtains and mirror and things up in the lounge last night so no more ladder work needed in there. And tonight we plan to take it easy too as we are both zonked.

Our decorations may have been the first on the office but they aren't going to be the best unless Charles has a spending spree. The office services section have done their area today complete with loads of lights and a full on, snow covered manger type area. Crazy!

Anyway, last night we got the CDs back in the lounge, curtain pole back up, shelves back up, new lights sorted and good things like that. A bit more work tonight and it will be almost back to normal until the carpet arrives.

Empty office today as many people out at meetings and surveying bus routes.

Ooooh, Charles and Gary are putting our decorations up in here now. Working in a winter wonderland...

Woo to guilt-free shopping! I was TOLD to go to Virgin and get some discs in the 4 for £40 offer (and Joan even gave me a £5 voucher to use making it £35) so I had to accidentaly get something for me in the four. So I now have the Linkin Park remix album. Haven't listened to it this afternoon though as the chat hasn't been bad enough to drown out.

Also bought myself Crazy Taxi for the Cube. Not been majorly enhanced over the version Richard has on the Dreamcast, but still fun and as it was second hand only £18.99 instead of £39.99. Not to be sneezed at. And Jeff Minter has released his old Rude version of Llamatron after finding it on an old disk so that gets a Woo as well.

Yay! We now have a water dispenser back downstairs again. And rather than yucky fizzy stuff it does HOT water in addition to cold. I think I will get a small bottle of Ribena in the office and try a warm one to keep me going through the winter without having to risk the limescaled kettle of doom.

Holy Cow, December is here. Which means suddenly houses across the world (OK, I might be exaggerating a bit there) are sprouting gaudy illuminations and shiny things. Some of them are actually quite nice in a restrained, small number of colours and not too many daft figures kind of way. The ones dripping with Santas and Snowmen and Reindeer are not my real cup of tea but those done up with tasteful icicle things and highlights do make me very happy indeed. Not that we will be doing wild things on the outside of our house but there will be lights in some of the windows nearer to Christmas.

Mind you, having spent the weekend doing further interior decorating I am quite happy to leave the outsides for other people anyway. We eventually settled on a colour known as Hot Parika for the lounge. And as it only needed one coat I will be able to return one of the pots of paint tonight for a refund. Which is always nice. Got the glossing done and the CD shelves up as well so now we just need to sort out a few finishing touches and wait for the carpet to arrive. Hope to hear about that today.

So now I am just thinking of ways to get through today and home to finish off with sanity intact.

Charlie boy did finally shut up about the office move. But then went on to moaning about his non-existent love life instead. Hoorah for headphones and MP3s.

I was right about the possibilities of shopping too. As well as a few more Christmas presents for Joan I also picked up the Audioslave album. Chris Cornell from Soundgarden with the majority of Rage Against The Machine. Absolutely superb on first listen this afternoon (those headphones again) and I expect it might get blasted out loud on Sunday to help me when I get to the glossing stage in the lounge.

Choosing paint colour later when we shop after Joan finished work.

And that was yesterday summed up!

Today I am considering manufacturing an excuse, ANY excuse, to get out of the office as I get the feeling I am going to be listening to Charles moaning all day. He has seen the latest draft office layout and hasn't stopped complaining for 15 minutes now. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have such a penetrating Brummie accent. The fact is we need to re-arrange ourselves a bit to fit new people in so he is gong to have to lose some space. Oh well, only 2 hours to lunch!

Today seems to be payday so I guess I might not be able to resist spending money this lunchtime. Even if I am still in shock from the cost of these glasses.

Joan is out tonight but I will probably devote myself to stripping the lounge of extraneous junk so I can get painting early tomorrow. Must let myself have some fun soon though.

Oh, but the pair of us do look rather nice in our new face furniture. Lovely.

OK, so the credit card is still bleeding, but at least we have the cash in the bank for when the bill comes. Good old insurance payouts! And we have very sensibly started a new one off to look after us in the future.

Dad got back from Denmark OK and apparantly has some stuff for us next time we see them. Mmmmm, presents.

Better do some work now!

Woooo. The message was indeed as expected. And Joan's are in as well so today will definitely be a leave early one for me. I can't believe I'm actually excited by all of this! OK, so the purchase of the two pairs will set us back just a little bit short of £600 but you do have to look after your eyes and we are both going to look even more gorgeous than before. Mmmm, glasses.

Nothing else startling to report though. Just trying to find some work to be getting on with really.

Forgot to look yesterday, but today the junk has gone. So much for Junkwatch as a feature! I'll have to think of something else to keep track of.

Seemed to spend most of the weekend putting together, taking apart again as they didn't fit, re-assembling to a new design I thought up and then staining the new CD shelves for the lounge. The end result looks a bit dodgy at the moment but I am sure they will be OK when they are up and stuffed with shiny discs. If not then it was £60 down the drain and a new idea will be sought. If only the whole house didn't have to be colour-co-ordinated all the time. Also ordered the carpet for the lounge, which means I will have to paint it this weekend coming and went round to Ma & Pa's for dinner on Sunday. Although it was just with Ma & Richard as Dad is in Denmark visiting his cousin. Swine.

Yesterday was again fairly tedious worky stuff. Much like today really. Although this morning did feature a trip up to Bury Road Park & Ride for the annual Secured Car Park inspection. We passed again so that was OK. And I was able to do a bit of shopping on the way back to the office. Roll on Friday and Payday so I can do a LOT of shopping!

Hopefully when I get home tonight there will be a message on the answerphone telling me that my new glasses have arrived. That will give me the excuse to leave early tomorrow as I really want them now. Not because the current pair are just too weak for me any more but more to do with general lust for face furniture. Designer frames are just so wonderful! And they are of a design which shouldn't grip the head so tightly and thus I may be able to get rid of the dents in my skull.

Having noticed that a bag of rubbish dumped on the roundabout as you leave Felixstowe is still there after three days I think I will keep track of it here on Junkwatch. So, that should be a fascinating addition to the blog.

Very quiet in the office again today. No management at all and almost every one esle is out at meetings or a launch of a new bus route in Shotley.

Nothing else to mention for now. Might slope off early tonight and pay some Super Monkey Ball before picking Joan up.

And indeed a good meal was what ensued. Very tasty minty lamb and stuff.

Today Joan is in ipswich with Sue for a Christmas shopping extravaganza. I just met them for lunch in Tower Ramparts, which was also very nice. Of course I also got to bring all their shopping so far back to the office so they don't have to cart it about but you can't win them all.

Have been up to both Park & Ride sites this morning with the boss of Ipswich Buses and a bloke from Optare to take some pictures. Who knows, I might even end up in the pages of Coach & Bus Weekly.

Not really anything else to add right now so I will do some work instead.

And indeed a good meal was what ensued. Very tasty minty lamb and stuff.

Today Joan is in ipswich with Sue for a Christmas shopping extravaganza. I just met them for lunch in Tower Ramparts, which was also very nice. Of course I also got to bring all their shopping so far back to the office so they don't have to cart it about but you can't win them all.

Have been up to both Park & Ride sites this morning with the boss of Ipswich Buses and a bloke from Optare to take some pictures. Who knows, I might even end up in the pages of Coach & Bus Weekly.

Not really anything else to add right now so I will do some work instead.

Well, I did say I was feeling ill!

Ended up having the rest of last week off work not feeling very good at all. Tuesday was definitely the worst - couldn't stay vertical for more than a few minutes without feeling dizzy. Not a good day and lucky Joan was off to take care of me.

Weds I managed to stagger downstairs for most of the day (and give the Cube some use) and on Thursday I did actually manage to get out with Joan for some fresh air. Friday I saw Dr P and got a note to cover me for whatever strange viral infection it was.

Saturday was another day of recovery and music (and Dad's birthday) then on Sunday it was Ma & Pa's pre-Christmas party. That was a good afternoon in the main with people we only see once a year but as the flu thing had left me feeling very down I also spent a fair chunk of it trying to escape people - not the best way to go to a party but I got through.

This week it has been back to work with lots of catching up to do. Hence taking until now to write on here. There have been a few highlights - lunchtime meeting yesterday as the first follow-up to our business plan day and some town centre roadside but mostly just going through the mail.

Tonight we are taking Helen & Bhupen round to the White Horse for a meal to celebrate their 20th Wedding Anniversary. Should be nice.

Bluuuurgh. Still feeling pretty rough today, but better than I have been so hopefully over the worst now. Mind you, not really had anything cold-like on a serious scale for a couple of years now so I should be counting my blessings and not moaning.

Saturday went brilliantly well. The coach was a double-decker so we had a great view of all the sights etc as we drove in and out (OK, so we also saw some of the grottier parts of the east end but the Thames all lit up at night is still wonderful). There were 3 hours or so to kill between arrival and curtain up so we had a wander down to Covent Garden (finally got hold of a book I was after from the LT museum shop) and another nice Garfunkels lunch. Must try somewhere else next time though. Then it was off to the Theatre to be entertained.

And entertained we truly were. Not knowing anything of the plot of Les Miserables I wasn't sure what we should expect but what came along was very good indeed. Basically, bloke gets freed from chain gang on parole, jumps ship, gets redeemed, becomes mayor of a town and then is forced to reveal himself to the policeman hunting him down in order to free an innocent bloke. Runs again and gets involved with revolutionaries in Paris, one of whom falls in love with adopted daughter. Meets up with copper again then dies of old age. Plot summaries R us! All the performers were superb singers and although minimal in style the stage set and scenery fitted the production perfectly. With very good use made of a revolving stage and things on rails.

So I am now a committed fan (!) of the London Big Production (a phrase which is no doubt (c) Andrew Lloyd-Webber even though I just made it up) and want to see more things on the professional stage. Hopefully now I am on the list we will get the chance a couple of times per year. More than that could end up getting a bit expensive.

And we got back in time for Joan to watch the remembrance thing from the Albert Hall.

Yesterday Joan was back at work so I put what energy I had into getting the house further towards normal again. The shelves in the dining room are now fully stocked with books again and after some further tidying after Joan came home it all looks very nice. Richard cam round and helped a bit too so I let him have a cube session as a reward (well, I wanted to see what 2 player mode on Zoocube was like!).

Today has been pretty dull so far. There was a fire alarm test which livened things up a fraction. And of course, standing out in the cold for 10 minutes while they count us always makes the office seem warmer upon returning.

Right, now to see what else I can do while trying not to fell so grotty.

This has turned out to be a very dismal day weather wise, and I am feeling like I'm coming down with a bad cold or the flu or something which is definitely NOT good, what with tomorrow looming and all. The sense of taste has gone all to pot and I have a stuffed up feeling with aches in the legs. The latter could be from numerous trips up and down the stairs last night bringing books back to the dining room of course, but that won't explain the rest. Hope I feel OK for the theatre trip. WOuld be an absolute bummer to miss it.

Anyway, managed to get the camera all plugged in and installed on the PC and transfer pics off it fine. OK, so it then crashed when I tried to open up the interweb and refused to start up again for so long I thought I'd killed it for good. Had to go via Safe Mode in the end which did the trick but had me feeling sick as a dog for a while. I hate it when expensive things don't work properly as I always fret about what it might cost to get them sorted out. Still, it all seems fine now, with the large memory card and tv-link also proving to be successful. Now all I need to do is work out how to insert pictures here and this can be regularly illustrated.

Not been further than Alberts today due to the torrential rain so no shopping at least.

Will have to get some dosh before tomorrow at some point so hopefully it will stop or ease up soon so I can do it on the way home. Only another hour or so before I leave.

Well, that was an interesting visit to the Dentist. Regular viewers will know I've got troublesome deep pockets which they have attacked with various methods up to and including a series of root planing treatments. This time they have come to the conclusion that there is nothing more they can do for me as general dentists - my mouth is as clean as any they have ever seen but bone loss is still happening. This is not good as sooner or later my teeth will have nothing to root into and just fall out. Which is not something I particularly relish.

As a result I am being referred to a gum specialist to see if there is anything he can do for me. They think a chap in Colchester is one of the best around so I could be in for some serious A12 mileage in the future. Unfortunately it will all have to be done privately rather than through the NHS so could well end up costing a fortune. I'm not sure I'm happy with the expensive option either but I guess it has to be better than false teeth.

Just so long as the pain is kept to a minimum I guess I will cope.

So, on leaving the Dentist I went and paid in that cheque and headed down to Argos for some sympathetic understanding from Joan. She greated my arrival with a rather unexpected question: "Were you serious about getting a digital camera with some of that money"? Was I ever! They are doing a series of one week promotions in the build-up to Christmas and this week's included a rather superb Minolta digicam reduced from £599 to £299. Well, that was what I was thinking of spending on a much lower spec one (well, obviously!) so after a good look at the one they had in stock and its manual I bought it. And in doing so qualified for a half price additional memory card, a free leather case (designed by Lamborghini of all people) and some free binoculars. Not bad at all. Not installed the software to transfer stuff to the PC yet but the results so far just on the built in LCD screen look absolutely stunning. Plus it has a whole shedload of features and stuff. Whooopppeeeeeee! With that and the Cube Christmas really has come early for me. I think I will be spending much of tonight in the study experimenting. Just need to find a mains adaptor/battery charger thingy for it now to save on expense in the future.

On top of all that the Carpet people got it right at the second try and the room looks great. It was their fault not mine - someone had cut some off the roll and not marked it or something. Seems a bit odd to me - surely they should measure when they cut each time? Anyway, they did a great job and we are going to get some mats made from the kitchen-sized off-cut to put down by the windows and doors (or possibly in the kitchen).

Ma & Richard came round to help put the room back together and move the shelves from the lounge in, so the whole thing now looks superb. Just need to bring all the books down again, and put the new CD racks up in the lounge. That will have to wait though as they need staining first to match the rest of the furniture and I might as well wait until after we redecorate in there if we are definitely going to do it this side of Christmas.

I don't believe this - I can overhear Mike on the phone to one of our sponsored service operators whose drivers don't want to go out after dark. What a bunch of idiots!

Had another stroke of luck this morning. I had planned to bring Joan in to Ipswich on Saturday for a spot of indulgence-shopping as she deserves it and was luckiy enough to have a Saturday off this week, but that will now have to wait as we are going to the Theatre instead. Yup, on arrival at work there was an email offering tickets and travel to see Les Miserables in London and I snapped them up like a shot. It is the matinee performance so we will be back home at a reasonable hour (she is working on Sunday) and I am really looking forward to it. Neither of us have ever been to any of the big London shows so this will be a real treat. And I can take the camera to get some fab London pics with any luck. Fingers crossed for the coach being unaffected - it is also the Lord Mayor's show on Saturday morning which may cause us a few problems but may also provide some nice piccies.

I think that's all for now. Only a few developments to report! Now for some fun timetable changes to look at.

Hmm, I seem to be in a doing as little real work as possible but being at my desk all the time kind of mode this week. This entry does of course help in that score! All I have done relating to my contract today is meet a man about a possible future park & ride site at the Wherstead interchange to Ipswich (which could be pretty good as they are proposing it as part of a development including some kind of entertainments arena - if that brings big bands to within 15 minutes of our house then it gets my backing) and sign a couple of letters I wrote on Monday. And I am leaving around 1ish to go to the Dentist so today could be my least productive ever.

Got all the furniture out of the Dining Room OK last night - which makes the rest of the house unfeasibly crowded at the present. And it seems they brought the wrong length of carpet. Richard says they cut it wrong but I hope it is their mistake and not mine on the initial measuring or it could turn out to be very expensive. Urk.

Oh well, an insurance policy matured yesterday and paid out more than double what we were anticipating so it looks like we will have a stonking Christmas and a cracking holiday next year after all. Yeeha.

The weekend can be summed up with a couple of words really. Paint and Cube.

To expand on that somewhat, on Saturday I put two coats of creamy emulsion on two walls in the Dining Room. We now have a nice two-colour room and all the wood panelling is hidden. Well, it is still there but the paint went on to it really well and has totally transformed the look of the place. Wish we had done it when we first moved in, but that's experience for you. On Sunday we took the old carpet up and glossed all the remaining woodwork and trim. It really does look rather tasty now. Roll on tomorrow when the carpet man comes.

When not painting I put in some quality time with the Gamecube and am once again very happy. I can see that I am going to get totally addicted to all 3 games I have so far. Of course it helped that Joan went out to Bingo with Helen on Sunday night so I was able to get properly stuck in...

Yesterday was our Seventh wedding anniversary. So up yours to all who said it wouldn't last! Pity we both had to work but there you go. Helen & Bhupen bought us a lovely unicorn statuette thingy which will go in the Dining room as it matches the new colours perfectly. Ma, Pa & Richard came round in the evening with more goodies including fluffy sheepie stuff as 7 is allegedly the Wool Anniversary. We also had a very nice tea and a relaxed evening.

Tonight we have to get all the furniture we've been working around out of the dining room for the carpet to go down. Not sure how we will move in the morning but hey, that's the fun of home ownership.

Better do some work now (or just read the latest stack of bus and rail magazines that have ended up in my in-tray).

Oh crikey, where does the time go? Been a bit busy hence the lack of entries for a week, so time to dig out yer old time travelling socks once more, slip them on and slide back to last week for an update.

On Friday I had no sooner got in to the office than I was whisked out again by Gary to help with the big roadside extravaganza we'd been preparing all week. Our target area was sort of up the coast a bit and then inland but never straying west of Ipswich. I thin kwe got done everywhere we needed to and also found a new lunch location. Jets Cafe on the old RAF Bentwaters site. It is a bit creepy seing the remains of the US Airforce occupation sitting in some corners, buildings with old signs on etc mixed in with those that have been re-developed and have new businesses lurking within their walls. The food was excellent and very reasonably priced so we will no doubt be back in their in the future. Our route did also include Charsfield, but we got their far too late for it to have been worth hanging back on lunch to visit the Three Horseshoes. Never mind.

In the evening we were round at Ma & Pa again as Grandma was up for the weekend. Another nice meal and good chat etc.

As previously hinted at, Saturday was the day of the Llamasoft forum meet up in London. Things started OK but then went drstically pear-shaped to say the least. I got down to Waterloo by 10 as expected and found the hotel we were meeting at empty, they were already queueing for the Eye. I thus hoofed it up there as fast as my little legs would carry me and arrived in time to see them in the second pod up. Aaaaargh, missed my flight!

Having hung around for half an hour while the group rotated I finally got to say hello when they got down again. At which point it was decided I should go up after all (they still had my ticket) while they had a coffee and we would meet at the Science Museum in about an hour. That was the last I saw of them!

The trip on the Eye was as good as I had been lead to believe by a number of different people and I can highly recommend it. Hopefully my pictures will come out OK as it was a fairly nice day and I coud see quite a distance. I was also a bit surprised to find London not as dominated by high-rise development as I had thought. There has been a lot of bad press over recent years about new buildings spoiling the city but in all honesty I didn't see many big lumps sticking up. And as I actually like modern architechture it looked fine to me. The Eye itself is also a fantastic piece of kit although parts of it look like they could do with a re-spray already.

So, I then made my way down to South Kensington and up to the Science Museum. Nobody there. (Well, nobody I was expecting, there were plenty of other people but they don't count). A quick burst of text messages confirmed the group had heard the queue was enormous (it wasn't) so they had decided to head in to central London instead. I asked them for a place to meet and went off in the same direction, arriving at Leicester Square to get a mesaage saying they were now on their way to South Ken. I gave up at that point feeling hungry, tired and a little peed off. So had some food, did a bit of shopping and went home early. Not really the day I had planned and lessons will be learned before the next attempt.

On Sunday Joan and I stayed in the house to avoid the horrendous winds that were sweeping the country. Seems we made the right decision as a little lad from up the street was killed by a falling branch. Tragic all round and his parents are apparently in a right state.

I also spent the morning in bed with a splitting migraine, but managed to stir myself by lunchtime. Didn't really get anthing else done that day though.

Then it was Monday and back to work again. It was intended that I would stay in the office and look after things here while everyone else went out doing more roadside and deliveries. However, I ended up doing a run out to Bury St. Edmunds with a delivery. Not of books though, but of our modern apprentice Ray. He had managed to slash his head open on the lock at the back of the van he was loading and after glueing and stitching up at hospital needed to be taken home. It was nice to get out of the office and I have put in a claim for the mileage, but it did kind of interrupt my plans for the day somewhat.

Monday was also the day that the town centre gyratory system came in to operation. As far as we can tell it has all gone very well - it now being Friday we have received no complaints and only good mentions in the press. This must surely be a first of some kind. From my perspective both Park & Ride sites are running at least as smoothly if not better than before so I really have no worries.

Tuesday was another out and about day. This time just doing deliveries in the west of the county and with Charles for a change. We got loads done and had a nice dinner at Newmarket too. It was a long day though, which helps in my quest for a couple of flexi-days off between now and Christmas which I will hopefully be able to tie in with times Joan is off too so we can do the big present shopping thing.

That then leads us into the two days off I had this week. Wednesday was our trip to London to do the Eye and a river cruise. It all went OK to start with and then down hill (sound familiar?). We had a lucky escape at Ipswich station when it became obvious that Barry from work was going to be on our train. Fortune smiled though and he didn't spot us which did at least allow us to get to London in peace and quiet. I'm sure he doesn't mean it, but the man is just so tedious and irritating.

Anyway, all went well with the trains and tube and we got to Waterloo with no problems. A swift walk up (well, I knew the way this time) brought us to the Eye in good time but also a slight drizzle. That was not what we wanted, but unfortunately the weather was not to be on our side and we suffered from showers (and downpours) all day. Being early was deliberate as we decided to make the Eye the focus of the day and explore the area around it a bit rather than risk getting caught up in crowds elsewhere and miss our flight or cruise. So we went for a snack at the aquarium in the old County Hall building but decided not to actually go in to look at the fish for an hour as it was £8.75 a head. Which price also applied to the Dali exhibition which again I would like to look at, but will want to take a decent amount of time to get my money's worth.

Instead we went to the Royal Festival Hall for a mooch about and so forth. It is a wonderful building and we really must get to see some music being performed their sometime. We even managed to buy a couple of small Christmas presents whilst inside, which was nice.

Then it was up up and away again. I enjoyed it just as much as on Saturday despite the poor weather meaning reduced visibility and Joan thought it was great. The only downer was that our pod contained the obligatory screaming kid, who I think was lucky they don't have opening windows. I'm sure I wasn't that noisy when I was little so why should I have to suffer them now?

From the wheel we went straight on to the boat. That was also brilliant. Only went as far as the Tower and back again but lasted a good 45 minutes and enabled us to see many new things. Again, some brilliant buildings in a good mix of old and new. And the new City Hall opposite the tower is just fantastic. Must go back on a sunny day to get some pictures of it. I don't think I've done a boat on the Thames before (certainly have no memory of one) and am now itching to get water-borne again on different stretches of river.

Having nibbled a bit on the boat we skipped a proper lunch and headed off to South Kensington - to the Natural History Museum. Somewhere else Joan had never been and I'd not been for years. The dinosaurs were as good as ever (if a little dusty) and there have been some great changes since last time. And the mionerals gallery is as fascinating as ever. I still can't get over the fact that the crystals and things in there are actual natural occurences and not some sort of mad experiments with things. Such wonderful shapes and colours. And of course the building itself is also a work of art. I was sorely tempted by a book on the history of the museum but at £30 decided it was just too expensive.

By the time we got out of the museum it was 5.30 so we decided to get a meal before heading home. On arrival at South Ken underground station we discovered the District and Circle lines closed due to some fool throwing themselves under a train at Victoria. That meant everyone crushing down to the Piccadilly line platform leading to them then deciding to evacuate the station due to overcrowding. Well, hello! What exactly did they expect people to do? So there we were turfed out into the rain with no idea of what to do next. Fortunately I know how to read bus maps and we were soon on a 14 heading towards Tottenham Court Road where we know a good branch of Garfunkels. Naturally the bus terminated itself short at Piccadilly Circus leaving us out in the wet again. Still, a quick walk took us through Leicester Square to the Garfunlels on Charing Cross Road instead where we duly warmed up, dried off and stuffed our faces.

By the time we had eaten all seemed to be back to normal on the underground and we were able to get to Liverpool Street with no hitches. Of course that meant the rest of the final journey had to be awkward instead! We thought that arriving at 1948 left us too late for the 1945 train but it was also late, arriving in time to leave again at 2000. It was painfully slow most of the way, stopped at extra places and then they threw us all off at Colchester. We finally got back to Ipswich at 2200. Only an hour late! However, despite the transport and weather hassles it was a great day overall. Once again London has tried to put us off going back and failed.

Yesterday was a much calmer and lazier day in many respects. To start with we didn't go out of Felixstowe. We went in to town in the morning and came back with paint for the dining room, full stomachs after lunch at Puccinos, a bit of other shopping and... a Nintendo Gamecube. Yup, I finally got round to buying it, and all seems lovely and shiny and top fun (and managed to get second controller and memory card free)! Only spent half an hour or so with Pikmin so far but it looks very good indeed. Also picked up Super Monkey Ball and Zoocube dirt cheap today so that should last me a while.

We also cleared all the bookcases in preparation for the painting tomorrow (of the walls they rest on, fool!) and did a bit of general tidying and stuff.

Today started with a meeting of the town centre car parks group. At Bury Road P&R where it all seemed to go well and athen a visit from the man from Britvic. He wants me to change from Coke to him for vending machines at the P&R sites. Might well give him a try and see what happens.

And now it is piddling down with rain again and I need to go and catch my bus back to the site soon. Fingers crossed for a dry spell.

Busy day so far for a change. Finished off all the roadside preparation this morning and waved all those heading out off before settling in for a few minutes of quality internet-based skiving. Then headed out to Bury Road Park & Ride to be photographed with the new buses. That went OK but while I was there one of the buses they were using while we had the real ones broke down and chaos ensued. Glad I was on site to see how well they coped really.

Called in at Radio Suffolk on the way back to buy one of their new CDs produced to raise money for Children In Need. Full of jokes and stuff so should be a good laugh. And it was only a fiver. Took the opportunity presented by being up that end of town to pop in to the shop where I got another Lynx game a couple of weeks back, but they didn't have anything else in. Some cheap second hand Gamecube stuff though so I expect I'll go back there after I get mine next week.

Now things have gone a bit wrong at London Road Park & Ride. Some idiot car owner has driven into the exit blocker and had their petrol tank ripped open in the process. Splendid. They have had to get the fire brigade in to mop up and now the water company need to find where all the drains go to make sure none gets where it shouldn't. Fab.

Add to that people asking me to chase up complaints and answer questions that are nothing to do with me and things seem gloomy. Then throw in the fact that my phone number seems to have been used to replace the TraveLine for enquiries now that has closed and you can see that I'd much rather be at home today. Especially as Joan is off. If it wasn't for the availability of quality Egyptian Dance Music on the internet I'm sure I'd go mad.

OK, so it is technically American music, but by a chap of Egyptian descent who has lived there for a while in the past (and also Italy) but we don't need to get that specific do we? MP3.com sure is proving to be a wonderful place now I've started digging deeply into it. And I have always had a soft spot for some of the stranger sounds that come out of Arabia so adding them to a modern idiom works wonders for me. All I need now is time to get them on to Mini Disc for regular listening.

Also lookingon the brighter side, I have now obtained a blank CD to take with me to the Llamasoft joly thing in London on Saturday. The plan is to record a whole bunch of us shouting obscenities on Yak's laptop then work those in to a special customised version of Gridrunner available only to those in attendance. Should be a laugh. We are also going on the London Eye (and I'm going again on Wednesday with Joan!) and shopping for fluffy sheepies etc. Really looking forward to meeting some of the people in the flesh I communicate with daily. Pity some of the foreign correspondents can't get over, but that would be asking a lot really.

Hmm, just had another complaint in - seems one of our sponsored operators is refusing to accept notes as payment for any fare under £3. Surely that's not cricket! Better get the sponsored team on that one.

My books have arrived. And maps. All look lovely thank God after all the hassle. We even had a helpful driver to getthem off the lorry for a change. Weeeeee. Now just have hurty arms to worry about.

Tried the new fried chicken take-away in town last night. Tasted exactly like KFC. Not so much of a secret blend of herbs and spices eh, colonel?

Managed not to spend any money at lunchtime again, but the potential for spending has increased again. Especially as our payslips arrived today and we have had both raise and back pay. Most woo and yay worthy.

Less in the way of strange dreams last night I'm pleased to say.

Oooh, look at the time. Better go now to pick Joan up.

More rain. Getting a bit sick of it, and winter hasn't kicked in yet.

One of those regular back at Argos dreams last night. Ipswich this time, and they had once again called me in to sort out a serious mess in the stockroom. I did of course, and then refused the job when they offered it to me on a regular basis. But is this case the manager was my old Primary School headmaster Mr Thomas and the person I trained up for the job instead of me was Dr Carter from ER. All very odd.

Today we are mostly stciking timetables together in advance of the big roadside push later this week.

Another drab day waiting for other people to do things for me.

Weekend had its moments though. Joan off Saturday so we did lots of tidying and ordered a new carpet for the dining room. Not sure when I'll get time to paint it but that's another matter. We then had Alexander staying the night which was fun.

Sunday Joan back to work so I did loads of ironing (of course) complete with commentaries on Independence Day and Charlies Angels. Both quite interesting. Then last night round to Ma & Pa's dinner. Very tasty.

Wahay, nearly the weekend. Nothing else to say!

Drat, and double drat. Beaten again by the curse of intermittent posting. Still, I do have a work-related excuse for a change. We had a Business Plan away day at the Novotel in town. Not the most scintillating place to be, but the food was superb. Hot bacon rolls and cheesey croissants in the morning break, a 3 course lunch with choice of 4 main dishes (I had char-grilled prok with cinamon and apple) and cream scones in the afternoon. I was quite good and had no starter or dessert at lunch and avoided the scones entirely (well, they weren't done with proper cream!).

However, other than fat stomachs I'm not really sure what we acheived. Lots of discussion and buzzwords flying about, but how much of it will make the final cut I couldn't say. Will be interesting to read it though, and I have also volunteered for the working group to pull it together and try to get stuff implemented. Sucker for punishment, that's me.

Then haircuts and a relaxing evening.

Today it is all Park & Ride Christmas leaflets and calenders to keep me busy.

Another miserable rainy day. Although rain is not a strong enough word for some of the precipitation we have been witnessing.

Only real bit of excitement was that they shut the college across the road after a bomb scare, but didn't think about telling us. Surely if that goes bang then we would suffer? I could have used an afternoon off!

Oooh, and now we have thunder and lightning too.

Joan didn't get in to work until nearly eleven today due to another shutter failure. Hope they get it fixed at some point.

Oh, alright then. Maybe this week I'll get something written every day on the day. Don't go holding your breath though. So, back through the old time machine again to Thursday last week.

A day about which the work related part of my mind seems to be completely empty. Hmm. I must have done something constructive, but I'm blowed if I can recall what. I know they found the problem with the shutter at Argos though - instead of wiring it up properly on its own circuit, the fitter took a spur from the shop lighting rig. That operates on a timeswitch hence them not being able to open it until the lights came on at 0855. This has now been sorted and hopefully our days of late night visits to the shop will be over. Especially as Peter who lived closest has now moved up to Trimley which theoretically means we ought to be first on the list.

At home we had a bloke in as well. After 6 years in the house of thinking about it we now have individual thermostats fitted to all the radiators which should save us a bit of dosh on the heating bills. Plus we can finally use the fire properly in the lounge without the rest of the house going cold. Whoopee.

Friday was a Park & Ride themed day mainly. Some work on the accounts, some hanging around on street corners waiting for the buses to deliver them some posters and some wandering down to the post office to send cromalins off by Special Delivery. Our post people not being able to handle that sort of technical detail. I'm quite keen on any excuse to get out of the office, but it could have been a bit warmer.

Saturday Joan was at work again (she's off this Sat though, hoorah) so I did the usual music (lots of Wonder Stuff as I am doing some minidiscs for DTJ) and film (American Pie 2 plus one of the 4 commentaries) whilst ironing in the main. Also went round to Ma & Pa's as cousin Christian was up with his brood. Nice to see them again. Also loads more done on the extension since I was last there. I also surprised Joan by turning down an X-box even though the price has come down again. I'm just hoping that will lead to a cut for the cube as well soon.

Yesterday was another looking around at things to do in the house day. Went up to the big (OK, enormous) B&Q up by Bury Road Park & Ride and have now almost definitely decided we will be attempting laminate flooring in the lounge. I'm just not sure (a) what we will do with all the wires currently hidden under the carpet and (b) how to get around skirting boards. But as the answer to (a) may be to replace the skirting boards with hollow ones to run the wires through it might not be an issue. Also managed to squeeze in KFC for lunch. We know it ain't good for us but it does taste so nice.

In the evening Joan & Helen did the Bingo thing again (and lost again). There was also the watching of Panorama which was about the anti-depressant I'm taking at the moment. Seems likely it can actually cause some of the symptoms it is meant to be treating, which could explain a lot of the crap I went through last year when the dose was upped. Also the fact that when I tried to come off them earlier this year I had to go back on again. Am seeing the doctor on Friday to see what's what.

Today it is more P&R but no excuses to hang about on street corners. Did take a wander over to the Council Chamber at lunchtime as this week is stress-busting week and they were offering some sort of relaxation and information event. Turned out to be a waste of a walk really - just a few leaflets with nothing new in them and a couple of people doing Indian Head Massage with big queues. So I didn't bother sticking about.

Huzzah, shops in town have started reducing Gamecube software prices. Makes my imminent purchase all the more groovy.

Can't rely on technology can you? Argos finally gave in to the staff's requests in Felixstowe and Yesterday the men came to fit a proper security shutter at the entrance to stop people walking up to the door after hours, piddling through the letter box and setting the alarm off at stupid hours of the night. It looks very nice and seemed to be working fine when I picked Joan up last night. Today she had a doctor's appointment so wasn't rushing when the phone rang. Tracey couldn't get in and was coming up for our remote control. That didn't want to work either until nearly 9. Ha diddy ha ha.

Have also just had a thrilling meeting sorting out security aspects for the new Park & Ride at Martlesham. Should be as good as the other two.

Blinkin' 'orrible rainy wet gloomy miserable day. On the brighter side we have now seen every timetable and almost got the books finished. About bloody time too.

Picked up my Pix and also seen the ones taken digitally last friday. No good ones of me but I will stick a few up somewhere for people to look at sometime. Some surprises on my film too - I'd forgotten how long it has been in the camera. And Jessops did a pretty good job so I will use them for a while (they give a free film with every one they develop too).

Have also put a subscription form in the post for F1 Racing. They finally have a freebie worth getting - Murray Walker's new autobiography rather than a baseball cap or T shirt. Hopefully they won't have run out before mine is processed. Will work out cheaper for the magazine too even if I will miss out on the WH Smiths points.

Time to go now and sit outside Argos waiting for Joan.

OK, new week, new attempt to at least register my continued existence on here every single day. So, what has gone on since last time?

Thursday: Was generally dull and uninteresting. Just checking timetables and so forth. Managed not to buy anything at lunchtime followed by a quiet evening and all that.

Friday: Good and bad kind of day. Bad bit was that Joan woke up with a stinking bad head, feeling and being sick and generally not very well at all. Packed her off back to bed sharpish and then had to deliver some keys to Argos so they could carry on without her. All of which meant I got in to Ipswich with about 2 minutes to spare before leaving for Red Lodge and our way out day out thing.

Gary had obtained a small coach from Beestons to drive us all over in and it was very comfortable indeed. I lived up to expectations of all and sundry by sleeping for most of the trip there (a feat I repeated on the way home) - I even missed stopping to pick Ray up in Bury St. Edmunds so I must have needed a rest. After signing our lives away (well, some form of disclaimer anyway) and coffee for those who wanted it we were split into teams and sent off to our first task. My team also featured Ray, Christine and Barry. Yup, we had to suffer the Walrus from hell messing with our team's scores by being absolutely crap and useless at pretty much everything.

Anyway, our first thing to drive was the "not quite a tank" armoured personnel carrier with caterpillar tracks and stuff. Only a very short course for that one and very bumpy as the lack of rain meant the ground was solid as a rock. Despite the chap telling us it would be tricky, it was actually very simple and easy to drive. One pedal to make it go forwards and two levers controlling the brakes on the left and right side tracks, both of which were expected to need a lot of pulling but were actually quite "light". A bit of gentle but persistent and controlled pulling required to turn smoothly rather than in jerks and it was also incredibly noisy. I have now put tank or similar tracked vehicle on my Christmas list. That would really annoy the neighbours, but I'd have no trouble parking it.

After a swift break event two was the reverse steer Ereppi. A pick up thingy nobbled so that turning the wheel to the left made you go right and vice versa. Oh, and just to make life more interesting the driver was also blindfolded and relied on directions from a partner. That was therefore the only part of the day that was anything like a team-building exercise - which was the original intention behind having a day out. Ray and Barry went first and made a complete arse of it. Going round in circles, stopping for ages to try and work out what to do next, knocking over and missing out the gates and cones. Loads of time and loads of penalties added. Christine and I did a lot better - very quick and only a copule of knocked cones between us. Unfortunately our speed and efficiency didn't help us make up the defecit the other two had created in our scores.

That led us in to lunch and for some a go on the swings as well.

For the afternoon we started with the bit I had been looking forward to the least - the Quad Bikes. Again that was done in pairs so Ray & Barry went first. And returned within about 5 minutes as Baz was scared to go above a crawl. Christine and I therefore donned the helmets and gloves and mounted up. It took me about 5 seconds to decide they weren't as scary as I expected and another 5 to decide they were actually a lot of fun. Damn fast too. I ended up being out for about 45 of our 60 minutes as when we headed back to see if Barry was going to try again he wasn't, so I went out with Ray. I did make the mistake of sticking my foot out from time to time when cornering at speed (thinking I was on some sort of normal bike that might tip over) thus knocking it on the floor painfully and also ended up in a fence at one point leaving me with some hurty bruises and the bike with a cracked fairing. However, once I got the hang of steering by turning the handlebars rather than leaning over I had a damn good time. Got up to a lot of speed, got some air underneath me after some of the bumps, humps and jumps and got very dusty. I have now added quad bike to my Christmas List.

The final session was Range Rovers. As with the other 3 events, I've never experieced 4x4 off-roading before either. Luckily they had two so I was able to share one with Christine and avoid Bazza once more. This was also good fun - the "not falling over when driving along a very steep bank" and "going up hills you wouldn't want to walk up without a rope" abilities were just incredible. Trusting the vehicle to do things you would normally try to control yourself was quite a novel experience too. I have now put some sort of Jeepy thing on my Christmas List.

In all a very good time was had, even if our team did manage to come last overall thanks to Baz and his general prat-ness.

Home in time to find Joan up, but ready to go back to bed again. Which was where I sent her and had a fairly quiet evening followed by an early night.

Saturday: Ouch, aches in places I didn't even know I had places. Probably what comes from hanging on for dear life but with a big grin on yer face whilst trying to control the hot throbbing monster between your legs. Oooer Mrs.

Joan well enough to go back to work so I spent most of the day tidying in the study and ironing. Richard came along for lunch - we finished the Iron Maiden DVD - and study of job websites but found nothing. Then in the evening we went shopping and settled down for a nice (you guessed it) Chinese with Casualty and Silent Witness.

Sunday: another good day overall. Joan off so we started lazy then went out. The main aim was to try and locate some form of raised bed kit for the garden as we both fancy the idea of some. Nothing was forthcoming though so I guess I will end up getting some wood and building our own. Should be fun. We also managed a nice lunch at Fatty Arbuckles and looked at lots of carpets and furniture and got a stick-on shelf to use in the shower. I think we are looking at re-decorating the lounge sometime soon but having seen the cost of floor coverings this may well get put back a tad.

On the way home called in at the open day park & ride/remote display site for the Ipswich Transport Museum (didn't have time to go to the museum itself) to find Gary as achy as I was. Then home for a snooze before a light tea and part two of SW.

Today: at last!

More timetable checking and so forth. Have also put my film in to be developed (and had to find a new outlet for processing as the one I'm used to in Felixstowe has shut). Will see how the pix come out tomorrow and scan and post any good ones.

Stillreading the London book (well, it is very thick) and over the weekend listening has included:

Little Angels - Don't Prey For Me and Young Gods.
Apes, Pigs & Spacemen - Snapshot.
The Prodigy - The Fat Of The Land.
Trancient Dreams - Some MP3 Stuff.
Gong - You - Remix album (disc one).
The Levellers - Green Blade Rising. (Again).
Various - A free Disney CD that came with a paper yesterday (the only reason I bought the paper, so you could say it was free with the CD).

Right, time to go home now I think. Hopefully for a nice evening.

How strange, no furniture has been moved today. Not so strange was me getting sucked in to Out Of Time 2nd hand cd shop at lunchtime and getting some more Thunder. The first album Backstreet Symphony to replace my tape and also The Thrill Of It All which I've never had before. Bet you are glad you read that then!

Concluded last night that either Joan and I watch too much tv, or their aren't enough actors going around at the moment. We seemed to spend all evening saying - "wasn't she in Holby" or "He was in Casualty" or whatever. Very confusing when you are trying to appreciate them as someone else.

Joan is in Ipswich for a meeting today. Tracey brought her in but she will probably come home with me. Might stop for dinner on the way home if she finishes late enough.

Um, err, whoops. Maybe next week I'll manage to post every day again. Anyway, back in time we go. Weeeeeep, bleeeep, whooooosh, spong! There, through the time tunnel and out in the murky past of last Friday night.

Dinner at the White Horse was as tasty as ever. OK so I had the cottage pie which I've had before and Joan had the Chicken & Mushroom pie that she's had before but the menu isn't that varied so repetition is unavoidable. Mum & Richard then came back to our place for a game of very competetive Trivial Pursuit. I won! However, the stress and mental effort involved must have been too much for me as after getting up for a spot of breakfast on Saturday I decided to go back to bed for ½ an hour or so and ended up sleeping on until 12ish. Quite ridiculous and most unheard of for me. Still, I still feel refreshed today so it probably did me some good.

After a spot of tidying up and stuff we went out again in the evening. To Joan's boss and her bloke's house-warming bash. Very unexpected for it to happen and even more so for us to get an invite. He must be doing something right with her! Very nice house all told, if a bit bland in the decor and in need of major plumbing repairs in the bathroom. Still, those are the legacy of the former owners so we won't blame Tracey for them. They are sort of on the border between the villages of Kirton and Falkenham, just outside of Felixstowe. Not sure I'd want to live in the middle of nowhere like that myself (well, not within walking distance of the shops at least) but the peace and quiet must be nice sometimes. Mind you, compared to our old flat our house is vey quiet too. Nearly had to leave early as Tracey got an alarm call while we were there but in the end Peter dealt with it which saved everyone a lot of hassle. When we did finally wend our way home not only was it very foggy but the police were pretty active. We saw the helicopter hovering over various points between Felixstowe and Ipswich and saw several cars and a van on the move. Haven't seen anything in the news though.

Sunday saw Joan at work again so I once more confined myself to the study and ironed whilst coralling numerous internet-sourced tunes and herding them on to mini discs. Mainly some more Bassic but also some other stuff that was just floating rootless on my hard drive. I also got some reading in. Finished ...Shimmerism while I was waiting for Joan to come out of work on Friday night and can say I thoroughly enjoyed it. And not just because I'm in regular communication with the author either. Hopefully he will be able to get a sequel up and in print soon. Am now working my way through Peter Akroyd's Biography Of London (which sharp-brained readers may recall me mentioning when I bought it). I say working my way through, but it is not work at all being a wonderfully informative and easy read. Not the first book on our capital I have read but I've come across new things already. Just wish i had more spare time to spend wandering round London looking up some of the places and features mentioned.

The evening was occupied by the US Grand Prix. ITV have tapped in to Bernie Ecclestone's digital broadcasts so although we still have to suffer adverts and no widescreen the overall quality of the show was much better. Focus on the right moments of action, stacks more vantage points and cameras (some cracking on-car shots) and useful graphics too. Much better than what we were having to deal with. Of course if this becomes a permanent fixture I'm even less likely to pay £12 for the priviledge of the full package on Sky as this version was more than good enough. The most interested I've been in the middle of a race for years. And the end result was superb poetic justice too - Schumacher slowing down for a formation Ferrari finish and getting it a bit wrong so that Barrichello ended up taking the win. Classic cock-up! Makes up for the result in Austria though.

And so it was back to work for another week yesterday. Am now finishing up loose ends with the books to make sure they turn up on time and doing much the same with Park & Ride stuff for the gyratory. I guess that should keep me busy until November when I will have to find a new project of some description to keep me happy and busy. Of course I could always become a furniture mover as there seems to be a lot of that going on at the moment. 4 people have already shifted around this week and more will no doubt follow. We are supposed to be recruiting 4 new people soon and will have to squeeze them in as well as a possibel whole group move to make that possible around Christmas. I know we need a good clear out, but there must be an easier way!

Helping me start the week was one of those forgotten classics or "cd's I don't seem to have played for years that turn out to be much more superb than I remember them from before" to be more complicated than necessary. In other words, in the car has been Laughing On Judgement Day from Thunder which had me singing all the way in and out yesterday and in again today. What a damn classic that is. Good job I have no passengers really.

Oh, and I did pay the anticipated visit to the HMV sale yesterday too. As well as the superb new Wildhearts single I got the two System Of A Down albums (Toxicity is in the car now following the Thunder) and two more from Underworld - Dubnoheadwithmybassman and Second toughest in the Infants which I have on good authority are well worth the £2.99 and £4.99 I paid for them.

The sun was still shining come the time I'd finished scoffing my lunch so I went out for a wander. Made a fairly major decision while I was in Smiths and didn't buy Buses magazine. I will be giving that a miss from now on as a regular purchase as, quite frankly, I've lost interest and can't be bothered with it any more. I guess I will keep an eye on it for local articles but otherwise am happy to be reduced in my public transport consumption. Followed that up by resisting temptation in the HMV sale. But I'm going to have to go back there on Monday after we get paid. Hur, hur, hur.

Where did the last two days go? Oh yes, now I remember, working for a change! Big timetable changes happening on Monday and we have all been a bit heads down producing the material to go in 105 or so cases. We even had members of management cutting and pasting bits of paper on to card, which was a bit of a turnip for the books. And today I have got the job of staying in the office answering the phone while lots of other people are out doing the sticking stuff in cases bit. Much as I would have liked a day out of the office I can't say I'm too disappointed. With that many stops to visit it won't be much fun even though the sun is shining in defiance of normal roadside rules.

I have managed to get my Park & Ride leaflets and bus graphics ordered as well, but not much else. OK, perhaps a bit of MP3 downloading and listening to, but that's all. Today I recomend Dreamtime 909 to one and all. Roll on tomorrow when I can get some more comitted to minidisc.

Joan is doing a lot better now. Stil wearing the collar (although not as much) and taking the painkillers, but in better spirits if nothing else. Her back woman gave her a bit of acupuncture last night which seems to have helped. There's something else I've never experienced. I'll be prepared to give it a try sometime though as the thought of the needles doesn't scare me.

Other than being totally zonked out most nights, we did manage to give Charlie's Angels a spin on the DVD player. Much funnier than I remember it being the first time we watched it and we also took a quick look at some of the extras this time too. But mainly we've not been doing much this week. Tonight we are going round to the White Horse for dinner with Ma & Richard (Dad is away working) which should be nice. Always reliable for tasty food if nothing else.

In Car Entertainment over the last few days has been:

Renegade Soundwave - Howyoudoin?
Chumbawamba - Readymades
Papa Brittle - Obey, Consume, Marry, Reproduce
Eat Static - Abduction

Let's just say I am enjoying having the cd player in the car fully.

The what to listen to after Iron Maiden ends decision turned out to be extremely easy to make. After writing that lot I went in to town and got the new Levellers album - Green Blade Rising. What I've heard of it so far is superb and brought me in to the office with a big smile on my face rather than the usual resigned expression of mild boredom and disinterest. It also has the video for Come On and a screensaver on the disc so I think that will pay a visit to the PC at home before long. The only thing wrong with it so far is that the total running time is only a fraction over 37 minutes. Boo, want more! Which means I did need to choose another cd after all to help get me home so that ended up being Xentrix - Dilute To Taste a mix of studio and live tracks put out as a stop-gap between their second and third albums.

Last night was both fun and frustrating in equal measure. Joan survived the return to work physically, but was still freaked out as her boss was on the warpath. No, welcome back, hope you are feeling better, don't do too much lifting. Just straight into moans and complaints. Not a great way to start a week. Luckily she is off today and has also been able to speak to Jacqui at Ipswich and get a better perspective on things. She's going to a meeting with her on Thursday which should also help.

I was also frustrated after once again the BBC pulled off a program I wanted to watch, presumably because someone somewhere would object to it being broadcast at the moment due to it reflecting events in the news. Even though it was filmed months ago with no idea of what would happen in the real world. That was Waking The Dead of course. They still showed an old one though which was probably just as grizzly and likely to offend, just not linked to the news of the day. I wonder when we will get to see it.

Luckily, the new series of Never Mind The Buzzcocks started. Still the funniest music-related quiz show in the history of music-related quiz shows. And likely to get better and better now Bill Bailey has replaced Sean Hughes as a team captain.

Today has been slow so far - just waiting for corrections back from Pindar. I never got to the vinyl people last night so will definitely do that today. What I can do is give today's MP3.com recommendation - Trancient Dreams. Listening to their stuff now, very mellow and atmospheric.

Well, hey, since 0555 this morning it has been officially autumn. And naturally it is raining. Not that I can use that as an excuse for not putting anything up here over the weekend, but I guess it was worth a try. So, where was I?

Thursday night. That was it. We had nice haircuts mainly. And I also spoke to my old boss Colin on the phone for the first time since they moved back up north. And some things never change - when he was here you could guarantee that as soon as he left his desk his phone would ring, and wouldn't you know it - when I called him he was out. He did call back though, and thinks I should appeal against the senior/non-senior thing. Trouble is, who do I appeal too? The higher management and personnel made the decisions that we needed this structure and Gary should get the job, and the union argued against it in the consultation period and were overruled. So who is there left to turn to? Not that I'm a member of the union anyway but the point remains that they were no help.

Still, they are settling in pretty well and he sounds a lot more cheerful than he did down here. I expect we will go up to see them in the new year. It is just a pity that they are no longer a good stopping off point on the way to Newcastle for us.

Friday was the big day of getting rid of Geof stuff. Or rather, taking him out to lunch and then having his official leaving presentation. In the morning I was meant to be going to a car parks meeting but found a whole load of other stuff that needed sorting out and, err, I forgot all about it. Only remembered it yesterday! Oh well, probably wasn't vital that I attended.

Lunch happened at the Lord Nelson pub just down the road from here. We went there for our Christmas Dinner last year and I have been again since, so at least there were no food-related worries. And what I had was very tasty indeed. Geof was looking much better than when we saw him last. Amazing what removal of stress and a heart-bypass operation can do for you. His presentation was a bit odd though. Considering he has been here 24 years there was a very small turn-out. I know that he irritated a lot of people over the years, particularly with his timekeeping, but you'd think a few more might have made the effort. The assistant directors trotted out the usual platitudes and "humourous extracts" from his file. Can't recall any of them now so they can't have been that good. One of the councillors also said a bit and then that was that. The Director kept his trap shut, which again was a bit of an insult really but a relief in other ways for the rest of us. So now we really are embarking upon new, uncharted waters and other such cliched claptrap.

And then it was the weekend. On Saturday Joan was feeling almost human again so we went out for the day. Woodbridge was the first call where we did a bit of shopping and had a nice lunch. Not at the Bull for a change, but a cafe type place on the high street. Good food and good prices so we may well go there again some time. That was followed by a trip to Sainsburys to stock the house up. And then a relaxed evening.

I was a bit frustrated at not being in Oxford for the Retrovision Yakfest event, and am looking forward to reading reports of it on the Llamasoft forums later on today. Not sure I would have lasted the course for an all-night event anyway but it would have been nice to try. One day I will get to a meet-up.

Yesterday was also pretty busy. After scything the lawn it was round to Ma & Pa's for their "open morning" of the extension now it is nearly finished. Not that many people turned up but that wasn't our problem. And now they have the carpet down in one of the rooms and started putting stuff back in there it has made a real difference to the rest of the house. I bet they are pleased to be able to move a bit again now but I still think they would have been better encouraging Richard to move out. Not that he will I'm sure.

The afternon was filled with ironing and a cracking proggy on National Geographic tv about Koko the talking Gorilla. I've been reading about her for years so it was good to see a bit more. It even prompted us to sign up for her regular email newsletters too.

So back to today. The rain has stopped and I've been to a thrilling team meeting so far. Just waiting for timetables to come through then I will be leaving fairly early to sort out P&R liveries and stuff on the way home.

Music for pleasure: As well as reaching the Blaze Bayley years with Iron Maiden (The X Factor, Virtual XI) which means I will be on to the last album and return of Bruce Dickinson (Brave New World) on my way home tonight and then have to think about what to listen to tomorrow, I have been doing more pc - md type stuff. Another disc of Diffusion and also the latest MP3.com find - AnalogX. More good electronic stuff. Might have to look for some more later.