Sunday, July 20, 2003

Oh bloody hell. Idiocy strikes back and I end up suffering again for a stupid, stupid mistake. Or in other words, on Wednesday afternoon I declined going up to Martlesham P&R for a photo shoot as Joan's meeting in Ipswich was due to finish before the shoot did. Turned out it didn't and those who went were back in the office before I left. Plus to make matters worse stupid Simon did a bit of web surfage that was spotted by Mitchell. He said nothing to me about it but did tell Sonic.

And of course on Thursday morning when I couldn't stay asleep any longer because of the heat and ended up at work early what was I doing again when Sonic arrived. Yup, browsing the Llamasoft forums. So of course he had a word. Nothing too drastic (hell, he even said I could keep browsing at lunchtimes and all that like before just not to get too carried away again) but I ended up feeling like shit. All day.

It didn't help that he wanted a meeting which didn't happen until nearly lunch time and I had planned to be out of the office all day delivering books. I spent most of the morning shaking with self-recrimination and feeling as sick as a dog before having the meeting (lots of which went over my head) not eating much of my lunch and heading out to try and catch up on the deliveries. I did manage to get some done in the afternoon but not as many as I'd hoped for, no new locations found to help with my targets and stuff like that. So when I got home I was not in much of a good and happy state. And of course neither was Joan after she'd had another counselling session which confirmed she needs to take more time for herself and didn't really need me phoning her in a panic of "what the fuck have I done this time" proportions. So we spent a good chunk of the evening looking for jobs on the internet and hopefully there will be some application forms with me soon (in fact one is here already but looks a right evil sod, with some of the old "how would you cope with X", "tell us how you have prioritised Y" and "give an example of dealing with Z" type of questions which are going to require a lot of thought.

Friday I was planning to go to work in the morning before heading off to Colchester for stitches out in the afternon (with deliveries on the way). Instead I woke up in a totally depressed state, tears and all and ended up taking Joan for her doctor's appointment (pre-booked but handily times as she ended up being signed off for two weeks so hopefully she can start sorting through the counselling stuff and get back to an even-keel without all the crap from work she is having to cope with) and then having one myself.

Not exactly back on the anti-depressants yet, but have got some nice other pills to calm me down (which are kind of working as I seem to have spent most of the time since then asleep!). I stil feel shaky as hell and nauseous when I think about what I'm going to have to face tomorrow but hopefully I will get through. I think it will be better after this week's one-to one as I have got the first draft of an action plan to meet my targets sorted out and we can use that to hopefully determine if they are realistic or not. I think Sonic will be understanding of the situation (he certainly was with the teeth issue) and I'm sure he doesn't want us all to fail as that would then look bad on him but if the worst comes I will just go straight to personnel for further guidance and help. Hell, I'll even go back for more counselling myself if that's what it takes - it helped before and I have no qualms in asking for more help again. And if I can get through this week there are then two weeks where Gary and Charles will be away and not spreading their own negativity which I really don't find helpful either. One way or another I plan to be either back on track with the current job or at the very least planning for an interview for something else by the time they get back to work.

After a lie in, shopping trip to town and sleeping most of the afternoon yesterday we had H, B & A along for a nice Chinese meal. Sat in the garden all evening and it went well - I even managed to stay calm for most of it, just needing a quick break to sort my racing heart out again at one point. Today has been more relaxing (I slept most of the morning after getting up for breakfast then going back to bed with another outpouring of tears for no valid reason) with a fair deal of sitting in the garden reading. Finished ...Nutmeg on Friday after the stitches did come out (no fuss there at all, again a quick in and out which cured a bit of the worry but glad Ma was free to drive me as I'm not sure if I'd have been up for that - even managed to stay awake on the A12 this time (Although I had just had 1½ hours before lunch of snoozing)). Overall a very interesting read, and almost impossible to imagine the hardships and deprevations the people suffered trying to import spices. Went on to Exile 2 - The Golden Torc which I finished this morning and indeed am now straight in to number 3 The Non-Born King. Both as good as I remembered them and indeed so gripped by getting re-acquainted with the story that I couldn't make myself take a non-fiction pause. So the next one of those will be after the Exile section of the whole saga I reckon.

So, I shall see how it goes tomorrow. One thing is for certain, I'm going to cut back on work webbing totally (other than for actual work stuff!) so entries here will be more sporadic, but probably longer when they do come along. Fingers crossed for a good outcome.

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